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Dear Readers,
Welcome to September and let's hope it will be a wonderful sunny Indian summer! I have just returned from an extremely interesting and enjoyable Bank Holiday in Cologne, Bonn and Dusseldorf with a group of Dinner Dates members. I had never visited this part of Germany before and I recommend you try it.
As always on one of our holidays there's plenty of time to get to know people well over lunch and dinner and one of the conversations reverted to the children imminently fleeing the nest and how apprehensive some of my party were feeling about it. They were not sure whether they should crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate their new found freedom or cry their eyes out for the impending sense of loss they were feeling.
Hence my reason for my article about the 'Empty Nest Syndrome'! I hope it will be of interest to you.
I wish you all a very happy month, hopefully full of sunshine and fun.
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
www.dinnerdates.com
www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
The Kids have fled the Nest! Where does that leave you?
How many times over the preceding years have you yearned for a little peace and quiet and personal space away from your very often noisy, untidy and downright difficult kids? Suddenly it's all over, they've fled the nest and you long once again to feel needed, overworked and stressed with the sound of your offspring and their friends ringing in you ears. You may well be feeling anxious, depressed, overcome with grief, finding it difficult to cope and you can't understand why! Well you're not going mad; 'empty nest syndrome' is a common complaint that hits parents, especially women, when their children leave home, to go for example to University or to get married. This is a major life change which has crept up on you and you are probably completely unprepared emotionally for the consequences!
I spend my life being the calm voice of reason at work to my sometimes overwrought customers and helping people deal with their problems but I certainly had no idea what had hit me when my daughter left home to get married in Philadelphia! She was hardly just round the corner so that I could pop round every now and then for our 'girlie' chats or go out on one of our shopping sprees! I didn't understand why, despite the support of my loving husband, I felt as if I'd been kicked in the head; I felt exhausted all the time and depressed and I would burst into tears for no reason at all. I found I couldn't cope with work; I couldn't concentrate and couldn't remember what I had just said to people and worried whether I had spoken complete nonsense. It took a visit to the USA to see my daughter so both of us could have a good old cry together and a complete recuperative rest from work to get me sane again!
However hard it hits you, your empty nest feelings are real and not just in your head. The first thing to do is to recognise what is happening to you, face your fears and take action. This is the beginning of a new life journey for you and, if you're not a single mum, your partner. Talk to your partner and or friends about your feelings and if necessary don't be ashamed to seek professional help. What you are going through happens to many others and you will eventually feel better and be able to cope. It's important that you don't make your offspring feel guilty for leaving and you don't make your partner feel inadequate because you're inconsolable.
Here are a few suggestions for you:
• Start looking forward and making plans to give your life a purpose.
• Make a wish list of everything you have ever wanted to do and action it.
• Spoil yourself and book a massage, have your nails and hair done, buy a new outfit.
• Plan and take a holiday of a lifetime with your partner or friends.
• Spend quality time with your partner and reconnect. Date each other again and recapture the feelings and relationship you had with each other before your children arrived on the scene.
• Remember what interests you had and what you used to do before you had a family and maybe bring some of them back into your life.
• Do more exercise which always gives an extra lift to the spirits.
• Sign up to a class to learn a new skill, language, sport or hobby.
• Do voluntary work. Helping others can only help make you feel better.
• Have a clear out in the house and redecorate. If your child has got married, revamp their room into a splendid guest room or maybe office/workroom/games room for you and/or your partner
It's also important to remember how you were when you left your parents. You too started a new life away from home and got caught up with new friends and activities and probably didn't keep in touch with them as much as they would have wished. So don't expect too much from your own kids! Keep in touch but let go of the reins.
Finally although it's good to understand you are experiencing a real loss and that it's alright to grieve, remember you haven't suffered bereavement! Your children will come back again from time to time and you'll be surprised how much more everyone will appreciate each other when they do!
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
 I never seem to be able to get a boyfriend because I'm so overweight. What is your all-time top tip for the failed dieter?
Hillie says:
There is no magical way of losing weight, you just need to change your way of living and approach the problem in a more rational way. Forget the word 'diet' – it just concentrates your mind on food. Resolve to take this four letter word out of your life. Losing weight is not just a matter of eating less; it's eating the right balance of foods and doing more exercise.
Try to find a local health club where you can have a body mass scan to ascertain how much actual excess body fat you need to lose. Then armed with this information seek the help of a nutritionist to find fun, delicious foods for a balanced diet that will not leave you feeling hungry but will help achieve the right weight for you. Also arrange an exercise routine with your local health club or sports centre that you can undertake at least three times a week to help you achieve your goal. Losing weight won't happen overnight and there will be realistic setbacks. You just need to relax and follow an organised plan to lose weight gradually and realise that you will have the occasional binge, it's only human nature. However when you do, don't get disillusioned, just be kind to yourself and try get back to your new regime as soon as possible.
Once you have achieved the weight that feels right for you, I'm sure your confidence will increase and people will be attracted to you.
Dear Hillie
 I am a 46 year old male and my wife is an attractive 27 year old. We have been together for ten years and have two children aged six and eight. My problem is that in the past year she has started going out a lot with her friends and I am feeling insecure. I really need some advice about living with a younger partner. This is the first time it has ever worried me at all. I trust her 100% but in my mind I am starting to worry that she will find a younger, more attractive man when she is out with her mates and leave me. Should I just let her have a good time and try to stop fretting? I understand that she needs her own time. Am I worrying unnecessarily about her being younger than me and does it in fact matter?
Hillie says:
If your wife has given you every reason to trust her over the past 10 years, why should she suddenly change her personality? Why should going out with her friends mean she is no longer being truthful and dependable? She married and had children when she was very young and it's probably only now that she feels she can begin to leave them with others and have some freedom. The more relaxed you are about her seeing her friends and the more freedom you give her, the less she will want to stray. Try to imagine that there is an elastic band holding you both together. The further away you go from her, the tighter the tension; the closer you get the slacker it is. You should not feel tied to the house either so why not enrich your social life by sometimes seeing your friends, taking up a sport or learning a new skill or hobby? Also plan a few romantic evenings for just the two of you plus some family outings. If you can gain more confidence in yourself, stop feeling fearful and trust and imagine a happy scenario you are far more likely to attract a positive outcome.
Dear Hillie
My best female friend is lovely and quite smart but sometimes she gets the wrong impression. We all went out on a spree and I was flirting with her and she flirted back. I then sent a jovial email to her saying that when I'm older I would ask her out. It was just a bit of fun - I knew that she fancied this other guy and I don't actually fancy her. However she thought I was deadly serious and now she doesn't want to know me. How can I regain our friendship? I care deeply for her as a friend but that's as far as it goes. I said I was sorry but it seems that it isn't enough. She is such a good friend I never wanted to lose her. What should I do?
Hillie says:
Phone her up and arrange to meet up with her for a chat. Tell her face to face how sorry you are that you slipped up and how you never want to lose her friendship. However, you didn't commit the crime of the century and if she still doesn't want to know you then maybe she isn't worth knowing.
Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then deviated into show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she launched Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide.
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club.
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (27) and Jamie (24) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus and their cat 'Rufus'.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Information on Dinner Dates can be found at: www.dinnerdates.com
Information on Dinner with Friends can be found at: www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2009
 
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