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Dear Readers,
I hope September has been a good month for you. Here at Dinner Dates it's been a splendid, varied, action filled month including a very successful black-tie ball at The Royal Garden Hotel, a vineyard tour in Sussex, a day at the Goodwood Revival and an evening watching 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' at The Globe Theatre. We were also very excited to have a specially invited Dinner Dates dinner party televised by BBC TV to be shown early next year and we had 2 articles written about us by National magazines.
This month I want to discuss complacency. There is a tendency in all of us to accept the status quo come what may and I am no exception so recently I decided to spring clean my business and personal life.
At work I soon found some shining examples of ineffective service that I had not bothered to check up on. Consequently I was paying for work that simply wasn't being done properly, if at all, yet the bills arrived on time every month together with reminders about their prompt payment. When I looked more closely and questioned the company concerned the seriousness of the problem was revealed and their services have subsequently been cancelled. There is a smugness amongst so-called experts which is rooted in the belief that they are always right and you must accept what they say regardless. Trust yourself and your judgement, ask pertinent questions and take action.
In your private life do you have so-called friends who rarely get in touch with you or never return your calls? Are they just lazy, which is hardly a crime, or are they content to ignore you until they need something? If so, you are being their friend but they certainly are not being a friend to you! Therfore if you feel you are being taken for granted consider dropping them!
This month why not shake yourself and your business life up and have an Autumn 'spring' clean? You may be amazed at what you uncover!
I'm off to Greece now with a group of Dinner Dates members at the crack of dawn to re-charge my batteries,
Have a great month and happy reading,
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
www.dinnerdates.com
www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
My boyfriend of 18 months has just told me that our relationship is over because he feels that I want more from him than he can give. I would accept this but for the fact that we get on so well. He is 30 and lives with his mother for a number of reasons, one of which is that her house is close to his work and he doesn't drive. Recently we went abroad together on holiday. It was my idea and although it took a lot of encouragement to get him there, he loved it. Since then I have been looking at investing in property to achieve financial security for the future. As all the different management funds advise that you should try to include your partner, I made suggestions about it to him. He said I want more from him than he wants to give me and he now wants the life he used to have before he met me. We trust and confide in each other about our past lives, however I think the future scares him. He still wants us to be very good friends, not just acquaintances, and I know he sees nothing wrong with my dreams and wishes me luck. Does he have a commitment problem and do you think I should wait around for him to wake up?
Hillie says:
I suggest that you accept what your boyfriend says and emotionally move on because for whatever reason, he has made it clear that he does not want to make a commitment to you. You can either choose to be just good friends with him knowing that you have no future together, or you can make a clean break. If you choose the latter there is always a chance that he might eventually miss you and change his mind. However by then you may well have found someone else who truly loves you and knows for certain they wish to spend the rest of their life with you.
Dear Hillie
Please help!
I have been going out with my boyfriend for three years. Just recently we started talking about moving in together. We are even thinking of getting a joint mortgage. I do really want for us to live together but I would rather that we were married, especially if we are buying. It's not that I doubt his commitment to me and I am sure that one day we will get married; at least I hope so! I just think that if we are making such a big financial commitment to one another then we should also make one that is based on our emotional feelings. I think that marriage is the ultimate expression of love and commitment and I don't want to put it off until 'the time is right'. If we love each other then surely we don't have to wait until we have more money etc. He insists that we will get married in due course but right now we should live together. I don't think that he is just saying this to placate me, but he obviously feels that he is too young to get married. I don't know what I am going to do? I don't want to end up feeling angry and upset in a few years time, living with him but still in the same position as I am now. But I would never say to him that it's marriage or nothing. Is there any compromise? I can't see one.
Hillie says:
Life is often a compromise but you should never compromise your fundamental beliefs. Listen to your instincts and be true to yourself. Never do anything that makes you feel ill at ease and could rob you of your self respect. Many couples opt to live together without marrying and that's fine if it's what they both want. But in this instance you want to make the ultimate commitment of marriage to your boyfriend, whereas he has a more relaxed attitude in his commitment to you and such an imbalance in your relationship could bring about resentment on both sides. Festering emotions can lead to discontent and unhappiness which in time might cause you to either leave him or make life so uncomfortable that he leaves you! Buying a property can be a sound financial investment made more attractive when there is someone else to share the cost. However there are certain inconsistencies in your boyfriend's attitude. If he feels you can't afford to marry, then where will you both find the funds for the joint mortgage and for living together? My advice is that you wait until you both feel the time is right, when he feels mature enough and as emotionally certain as you do about a loving and committed future together. It's better to hurry slowly now rather than repent in haste later.
Dear Hillie
I am 50 and just starting an on-line relationship with a younger man of 30. He is pushing and I am running away even though we have known each other for almost a year. It's not that I am unattracted to him. He is bright, intelligent, sometimes shy, has a wonderful sense of humour and can always make me laugh. It's the age gap that's worrying me. If the situation was reversed with a 50 year old man and a 30 year old woman it would be perfect, however our society still looks at the older woman younger man relationship with scepticism. Help! Please put me out of my misery and tell me what to do.
Hillie says:
It doesn't matter what other people think. So long as you are happy and not harming anyone else do what you want. However I must add a note of caution here. In general the combination of an older woman with a younger man is not the best recipe for a long term relationship. For example when you are collecting your bus pass he will be in the prime of life. Also a man of 30 can still father children until extreme old age but a woman's child bearing days will usually be over by the time she reaches 50. If you go into this relationship with no future expectations, just a determination to enjoy each present moment as it comes along, then good luck to you.
Dear Hillie
I have had a succession of failed relationships over the past three years, and wonder what I have been doing wrong. All my girlfriends have lived abroad or at least a hundred miles away from me. I've tried meeting and dating local girls but I never seem to fancy them. I really want to settle down, but things are just not working out. Help!
Hillie says:
You say you want to settle down but I wonder if you really do. You may in fact be someone who is committed to non commitment. It may be that the reason you find girls who live a ridiculously long way away from you attractive, is because subconsciously you know that the distance between you will eventually cause the relationship to break up, meaning that you will not have to commit yourself. Being with an attractive girl who lives just around the corner would make it much harder to find excuses as to why you couldn't commit yourself to her. Just be honest with yourself and decide what you really want. It's not a crime to want to stay single, but it's dishonest to lead a partner on and deceive them as to your true intentions.
Dear Hillie
Just recently a male friend of mine, who has been married for 3 years and has an 8 month old baby, asked me straight out if I would consider having an affair with him. For years I have been reassuring his wife that he doesn't cheat on her, and that he doesn't seem to be the sort who would. Rumours circulated before they were married that he had been having affairs but they were never proven and I believed him when he said that he hadn't. Unfortunately they lost a lot of friends due to all their problems. Since he propositioned me I can't get him out of my mind and I keep thinking about what it would be like. I don't think I would because I don't want to be responsible for splitting up a family and I value my friendship with his wife too much. The problem is that I socialise with them a lot and every time I go round to see them he becomes very suggestive. As soon as she leaves the room he keeps trying to get me to kiss him. Also his wife often goes to bed early leaving us talking downstairs together and, since he suggested the affair, he has already tried to get off with me on one of these occasions. I'm just worried that one night we might go further than just talking. I don't want to stop going round there as I don't see why I should lose one of my best friends, but I'm concerned that if he carries on in this way something might happen between us. Please advise.
Hillie says:
This man's behaviour is despicable and you must not waste any more of your precious time thinking about him. His wife needs a loyal friend in you and you must do your best to help and support her. Tell him that you have no intention of being disloyal to his wife and that if he doesn't stop propositioning you, you will tell her exactly what has been going on. Make sure you are never alone with him again and try to socialise with his wife at times when he is not around. There are plenty of attractive single men in this world for you to associate with. Leave the married men, with all the heart-ache that could entail, to their wives and families. Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then started in show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she founded Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide. www.dinnerdates.com
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club. www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and, as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (31) and Jamie (27) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2011 |
