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Dear Readers,
Help! It's less than twelve weeks until Christmas day!
Have you started thinking about the festive season? Last Saturday I went shopping on a shopping spree to buy my husband's birthday presents in the new Westfield shopping centre by Shepherds Bush. Well judging by the crowds of people there maybe you should be thinking about buying your gifts ahead of the Christmas rush! The sales are on, prices are lower and there is plenty of choice; nearer to Christmas you may find the presents you had planned to buy are all sold out!
Maybe it's also time to plan where you will be spending Christmas and who with. If you are hosting Christmas in your home make sure you invite your guests soon before they get booked up. If you're single resolve not to be alone, it's time to start thinking about how to find a partner to share the festivities with. Hence my article 'Where to find Your Christmas Date'
I wish you all a very happy month,
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
www.dinnerdates.com
www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Where to find your Christmas 'Date'?
Where do you find your ideal partner? The short answer is - anywhere! Chances are that you will meet someone you really want to date when you least expect it, so you should always be on your toes and try to look your best wherever you are. But don't sit around waiting for fate to walk round the corner! You can help speed things up a bit by strategically placing yourself in some likely locations. Finding someone to date is a numbers game. The more you put yourself about, and the more people you meet the more chance you have of success. Choose an environment where you're most likely to meet your type of person, and the chances are it will also be a place where you'll be at your most friendly and relaxed. For example you are unlikely to meet a hardcore raver at an evening class for flower arranging or a studious, home-loving academic at the latest, trendy nightclub.
Eight avenues to investigate
If you're not sure of the effectiveness of this ploy, think of all the romantic situations in which couples have first met in films - Sleepless in Seattle, Shirley Valentine and Brief Encounter to name but a few!
Eight places to find a date:
Friends
Sport
Clubs, pubs and wine bars
Work
Classes and societies
Holidays
Agencies
Adverts
Friends
Parties, dinner parties, drinks parties or any kind of get-together organised by friends, are ideal events to meet a potential Date. Your friends hopefully know you very well, and may have already selected a short list of possibilities for your delectation. The advantage of events organised by friends is that the ice is invariably broken for you - you already have something in common and can be easily introduced to whomsoever you wish without having to decide how to make the approach. Use this advantage in order to make an immediate impression. You're already 'intimate' so spend the rest of the evening becoming more so!
Better still, as you know everyone's relationship status, you're not going to waste any passionate glances in the direction of someone who's attached.
However, be careful, as a relationship within a circle of friends can quickly become the topic of widespread gossip and speculation, and although they probably have your best interests at heart, too much interference can sometimes add quite a lot of pressure at the start of a new relationship. Furthermore, if your date goes horribly wrong, he or she will be around to serve as a frequent reminder of the failure and your friends might also be put in an awkward position about split loyalties.
Sports
A health club or sports club serves two purposes: it is an extremely good place to meet other single people and you will get trim, fit and healthy in the process. Who else but a single person would usually have so much time or money to devote to thrashing their bodies in the gym, swimming pool, squash court etc? It's a well known fact that you can pull more than a muscle working out! You will also get to see a bit more of them in their lycras or swimming trunks and such 'inside knowledge' can often be worth its weight in gold when meeting someone for the first time.
If you are keen on sport already, you will meet others with whom you have a lot in common. You will also have plenty of time to get to know them over 18 holes of golf, a tennis tournament or pumping iron in the gym. Sports clubs and health clubs are also usually heavily into arranging social activities, such as parties, walks, tournaments, games or holidays. You might even find it profitable to spend your time at the club attractively propping up the bar, chatting up or being chatted up!
Cunning tacticians could take up a sport traditionally dominated by the opposite sex. A man will surely be surrounded by lycra-clad women if he takes up aerobics! Many of the traditional male sports such as football and golf are now being taking up by women, but how about some fly-fishing or joining in a clay pigeon shoot?
Clubs, Pubs and Bars
Nightclubs have certain advantages - the lack of lighting makes everyone (including you) appear more attractive than usual. This effect can be heightened further with a few glasses of alcohol. The loud music also takes away the need for that tortuous first conversation - instead let your feet do the talking and if you like the look of someone on the dance floor, a few strategic disco moves can neatly place you in their vicinity.
Women can get dressed up and look glamorous and if you don't dance too energetically, your make-up shouldn't run. Do, however, be aware that these advantages can misfire. You could be swept off your feet by a dazzling, mysterious hunk one evening, yet on the next meeting, discover the reality to be a lot less appealing. Remember that however irresistible they may seem, anyone with a wedding ring on their finger will only bring pain in the future. Also be sensible and don't accept a lift from a complete stranger or take them home with you.
Pubs and wine bars are usually better lit but probably just as hectic. It is quite daunting to go into a busy bar on your own as most people will be there with a group of friends. So why not get a group of your friends together and choose somewhere popular on a Friday night, or at the weekend. If the place is really crowded then you will be able to get quite close to someone who you like the look of and you will be able to see how they socialise with their friends. You may well find yourself crammed in at the bar next to a possible Date.
Work
You will have your job and day to day happenings as a common interest with anyone you meet at work. You would have been able to observe them at close quarters and to find out a lot about them from their colleagues. Hopefully you'll both finish work at the same time and it will be easy to meet up for a date. If an office romance is what you really want and you know who you want it to be with, the notorious office party (where fellow work mates suddenly let their hair down and become wild creatures) is probably the place to begin! However, be careful of doing anything you might regret.
Sometimes it's best not to mix business with pleasure. If you go out with someone from work and the relationship breaks up badly, you will find it extremely difficult and awkward to be confronted with each other every day at work. It's an unfortunate sign of the times that office relationships can tread uncomfortably close to the line of 'sexual harassment'.
Classes and Societies
Learning a new skill, subject or language at an evening class can be another way of meeting like-minded people. Societies, such as amateur dramatic societies, can be a great source of fun and a good place to meet single people. You are united in the common cause of putting on the production and will be spending a lot of time together especially in the final stages.
Of course, if you land up playing the romantic lead opposite a particularly dashing thespian, take every opportunity to rehearse your love scenes and hopefully staged passion will become increasingly easy to recreate. However, you are probably more likely to form a lasting liaison in the less romantic regions backstage. It's always worth bearing in mind that these romances often last only the length of the project you are working on, and frequently, with classes, the number of potential dates may dwindle as many of the students decide there is nobody attending the class that they fancy!
If you are interested in stamp collecting, bee keeping, or anything else, I suggest you enquire at your local library or look in the local paper. Men might do well to join a sewing class and women might do well to join a car mechanics class. .
Dance classes are particularly popular; salsa, ceroc, ballroom and line dancing classes are a great way to meet other singles in a fun and informal environment. What's more, they are surprisingly cheap and so popular that some are bound to be held in your area. You can learn the moves and make them if you want to!
Chance Meetings in Other Locations
It is surprising how many people meet each other in the most unlikely places, such as over the frozen peas section at the local supermarket. In fact if you think about it, a supermarket is a very good place to hang out to meet other single people as they all have to eat and probably cook for themselves. Take a quick peek in a likely candidate's basket - microwave meals for one and a four pack of lager may well mean they are single.
Libraries could be another place to hunt out Dates if you're interested in mental stimulation, but watch out for the hawk-eyed librarians.
Public transport, such as buses and trains, is also somewhere to keep your eyes open for the Date. The boredom factor comes into play on long bus or train journeys and you may find it's not too difficult to get someone to talk to you. The underground service is ideal because it is usually jammed full of every conceivable type of person and you are certainly close enough to them.
Planes are a great environment to get to know the person you're sitting next to, especially if it's a long haul flight. Also always keep your eyes open in the street, walking in the park, indeed anywhere you know there will be other human beings!
The only negative aspect to this ad-lib method of getting a Date is that you are approaching a stranger in an unfamiliar environment. They may be very suspicious or even resent your amorous intrusion, or worse still they may turn out to be a nutter. Be careful - appearances can be deceptive.
Holidays
People on holiday are much more at ease, carefree and open to suggestions than they might be in a normal social circumstance. If there is a language barrier there won't be too much talking going on and you may reach a point of physical communication quicker. There are singles package holidays you could go on or resorts that mainly cater for single people both at home and abroad. Look on-line, in the newspaper and ask at your local travel agent.
It's important to remember that the euphoria of a holiday romance is, more often than not, short lived - but don't let that stop you from enjoying the time you have with your holiday partner to the full.
I know of three builders from Bolton who bought a farmhouse in the South of France and converted it to a restaurant. One of the first customers to this restaurant was a Dutch tourist and she subsequently fell in love with one of the builders. He left the restaurant, she left Holland and they now live together in Northern France where he's started a building firm. Neutral territory!
Agencies
Dating agencies are another way to find a Date. The reputable ones will have screened their clients to make sure they are everything they purport to be and that they are single. They will also hopefully introduce you to Dates who are of an age you wish to meet and with similar interests.
I understand that with some agencies you look through photos and profiles of their clients, make your choice and hope that they will reciprocate, and another member might in turn make you their choice. With other agencies you leave it up to them to make the contacts for you. This is all obviously less hassle than having to find someone yourself.
Admittedly, this manner of finding a Date could be thought of as cold and unromantic. You must also consider the worst possible scenario - just imagine turning up to meet your Date and being forced to spend an evening with someone you find physically and mentally repugnant. Be sparing with your personal details, just in case he/she decides that you are THE ONE for them and determines to convince you of this with pestering calls or visits.
You must also make sure that the agency is a reputable one; has preferably been trading for at least three years under their present name; that it has a proven track record; has enough suitable clients to introduce you to; that they also guarantee to give you at least a set amount of introductions. Be very wary of anyone promising you your future spouse because no one can make that kind of promise, and do not be persuaded into parting with large sums of money to an agency. It is never the case that the more money you spend on finding a partner, the better that partner will be!
You could also try a Social Events agency for single people. Here you will meet single people in groups at dinner parties, buffets, social events and activities, and be able to go on weekend breaks and holidays with them.
This has the advantage of:
Safety in numbers (personal safety, and the boredom factor of being stuck with one unsuitable person).
Being a more natural way of meeting the opposite sex.
Becoming a fashionable way to meet new friends.
Having virtually no stigma attached.
Being a great way to visit new venues you might not normally think of going to.
Being able to make friends of the same sex for you to go hunting with (they might also have friends of the opposite sex they could introduce you to whom they don't fancy but you might).
This way of meeting new friends can also be a marvellous stepping stone back into society if you have just broken up with a partner, and it may help you to get back some of your confidence about being single once more.
Again make sure that the agency has been trading under its present name for at least three years; that it has a proven track record; that it has plenty of clients of the opposite sex and of the right age; that all its dinners and social events have equal numbers of both sexes attending; that none of your personal details are ever given out to anyone without your permission.
Also, please be aware that, to my knowledge, there is no official independent controlling body overseeing the proper running of introduction agencies.
On-line Dating Agencies and Chat Rooms
There are many on-line dating agencies and Chat Rooms but remember it's easier to invent or conceal your identity and circumstances on-line than anywhere else, so be careful. Try to do background checks and if you meet up, do so in a public place and make sure someone knows where and who you are with.
Adverts
You can advertise for a Date in many newspapers and magazines under the personal column section and use one of their box numbers. You will probably have hundreds of replies and get so many dates you won't have time to do anything else.
The majority of the time you will enjoy meeting lots of new Dates, but don't rely on many of them being suitable for you. You may waste many valuable hours, days, weeks and months sifting through people you would never normally dream of dating. There is also no middle contact to vet the Date for you and the usual dangers of going out with a stranger apply: they may be married; just out for a one-night stand; an undesirable character. Always make sure you meet your Date in a public place and let a friend know what you are up to.
Good luck and happy hunting! I hope this Christmas will be your best ever.
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. We've had relationship problems for a while and in December she went to an office party and kissed a guy she said she found attractive. I didn't find out at the time although I felt strongly that something had happened. Things came to a head and we split up a couple of weeks after and she moved back to her mums. Over Christmas she kissed this guy again. About three weeks ago she asked if we could get back together and I reluctantly agreed to try again. The trouble is that I found out about this guy after she moved back in with me and it's really getting to me. Now he's asked her out to the cinema and she accepted the invitation. She is adamant that they are just friends. She's also going away to a party with him and some other work mates at the end of the month. I've told her I don't feel comfortable with any of this but she is still going. Am I being stupid? I feel like she's stringing me along and I need some space, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Can you help?
Hillie says:
Always trust your own instincts and you won't go far wrong. If you and your girlfriend are a couple why aren't you included on these outings? Also if she really cared for you she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings by doing anything you feel uncomfortable with. Ask her to leave as soon as possible and be thankful that you've had a lucky escape!
Dear Hillie
I'm single and in my early twenties and I just don't know how to meet nice girls. My main problem is that I simply don't know where to look. I don't like clubbing or big wild parties so it's difficult. Also I'm quite a shy person around women and never know what to say. People tell me to go out and meet girls but I don't know where to go. They suggest places like the centre of town or a cinema but I would have no idea how you're supposed to walk over to a complete stranger who's probably with friends and spark up a conversation. It's really frustrating when people tell me to go out and meet people and inside myself I yell "HOW?" Although I'm shy, when I look in the mirror I think I'm reasonably good looking and can't understand why I'm so lonely. I work with computers and it's hard to meet girls of a similar age to me in my line of work. I've even tried writing an online ad in one of the personal sites but I've not had a single reply. I'm not a weird person; I like documentaries, cooking, walking and keeping fit and have a nutty sense of humour but so far nobody has shown any interest at all. Where can I find a nice, smart, pretty and intelligent girl who'll like me too?
Hillie says:
Clubs, pubs and wild parties are not the places to meet a long-term partner. My advice is to stop worrying and aim to widen your social life. Try to meet people who share similar interests to you. You say you like cooking so why not join a cookery class? You are sure to meet girls there and you will find plenty to talk about with them after the class. Join a health club, do some keep fit classes where you're be surrounded by lycra clad women. I'm sure they'll find plenty to say to you! Join as many clubs and societies as you can and make friends of both sexes. It's all about networking; the more people you meet, the more chance you have of meeting someone special for you. Once you stop looking for girlfriends and start enjoying a new social life, they will find you.
Dear Hillie
I've had a few boyfriends, nothing serious, but there's a reason for this. Whenever I'm in a relationship I'm fine until I actually start thinking about the fact that I'm with someone, or if I start talking about feelings with my boyfriend of the time. When that happens, I suddenly feel really queasy. At first it used to go away if I went off on my own for a bit, but a couple of boyfriends ago it started getting worse. I started feeling queasy and would have to go off to the toilet and throw up. I can only go out with someone for about a month before I decide I can't take it any more and make up an excuse to break up. I know none of this can be good for my health and it's really getting me down feeling that I can't get close to anyone. Every time I go out with someone I hope it's going to be different but it never is. None of my friends seem to have this trouble and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. Can you help?
Hillie says:
You appear to be terrified of commitment and when you sense that a relationship could become more permanent and perhaps restrict your liberty, you throw up. Maybe this is just the wrong time in your life to have boyfriends. Try to be on your own for a while and enjoy your freedom. Start enjoying a full, interesting and fun time by yourself and with friends. Develop new hobbies and interests; concentrate more on your work and building a successful career. When you really feel ready for a relationship and the ideal man for you walks into your life, you'll be so happy enjoying each other's company you won't have time to throw up. Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then started in show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she founded Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide. www.dinnerdates.com
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club. www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and, as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (31) and Jamie (27) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2011 |
