This month I hit the town with some glamorous balls and things......
There was a bit of a fracasse at a Grosvenor event when one large elderly black woman refused to sit with an even older and larger one who was in a wheel chair but allegedly doesn't need it, only for show. Sadly the first woman was calmed down with a huge drink which was a pity because I was looking forward to seeing some bloodshed. It all seems to be happening at that hotel, just a few days before some girl claimed she was gang raped by randy footballers in one of the hotel rooms - shouldn't have been in bed with one of them in the first place.
Then I went to THE CARNIVAL BALL at the Park Lane Hotel which isn't in Park Lane at all, which must be really confusing to foreigners. There were lots of foreigners at this event including THE CHEEKY GIRLS and their mother who couldn't even talk much in rumour-anian which is allegedly their language let alone in English. I am not a Brit, as all my favourite chappos know, but at least I learnt the lingo before I launched my social career and now I speak and write it perfectly as you can see.THE CHEEKY GIRLS were an auction prize and like at a lot of these boring balls which I have to attend, the auction went on and on and on for one and a half hours and killed the whole event even though that poor nice and portly chappo with the speccos CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS did try very hard. Wasn't it terrible that a few years ago people were saying he'd go to the opening of an envelope. And he's such a darling, especially now he's no longer walking senior citizen Joan Collins.
I popped into a smooth little place in Beauchamp Place called The Beauchamp where Georgiana our Ed was throwing a party and met George the owner and his wife Philipa, two darling hosts. Their Shepards Pie lunch is a better deal than their neighbour's fare across the way. San Lorenzo is sooooooo expensive and don't take the plastic dearies. I mean what girl goes out with a lot of dosh in her purse these days, and it will cost you dearly to dine at Lorenzo's. What I hate about that place is their snobiness, unless you are famous or turn up with personal bodyguards, you don't get the best tables.
When I wasn't attending social events to write up for you sweeties, I was catching up on the TV, but it's all rubbish at the moment, and still much too much of this ridiculous Reality TV everywhere. That HENRY THE EIGHTH would have been alright if they hadn't had that RAY WINSTONE playing the King with a South London or was it Oz accent, it really jarred for me. I am sure you brits feel the same about your Royal Family. I mean they all speak with huge great plums in their mouths, now don't they, so I bet they did then too.
Talking of the Royal Family what will happen next with the butler, the brother and the rest of them all waging in against each other and so many of them gay on the Palace scene. A few of them need their heads cut off just like in King Henry's time, don't you agree with me? Question is, was Diana murdered or not? I'm off to Harrods to buy the butler's book, sure fact that Mohammed Faed's store will stock it.
By the way, although I have just explained to you that my English is perfect, I have been accused of having bad spelling. Well, sweetie pies, you should just read some of the hard copy mags around. What about that dreadful CLOSEST mag where the reviewer of HENRY THE EIGHTH spelt breeches "BRITCHES". It looks like another word which I would use to describe a lot of people on the social scene that I have to deal with all the time.
I met that famous lesbian film director who gets off or tries to, with all her leading ladies at a dreadful party which I wont name recently. She certainly is mannish but very talented we hear although the latest one with that ditsy comedy actress hasn't had good reviews.
One of my fans sent me a poem which I thought was very flattering, at least people are talking about me. I may publish it next month. Keep them coming, sweeties.
What a pity that TWICE NIGHTLY chappo had a one night stand with that older woman MISS GRUNT (bet she does with his weight on top of her). I always quite liked him on the TV.She was allegedly once in a CARRY ON film and it was about her that someone said allegedly "her plastic surgeon should be shot". Well so what, how can TN see what she looks like once he takes his speccos off anyway? The truth is that TN has a regular younger goodlooking American banker House Of Commons earlier this year. You read it hear first, sweet peas.
So what about that DAVID BLAINE? Is he a shower or what? Fancy turning on that nice SPOONBENDER who was obviously only trying to help.What a stupid stunt, I would have thrown eggs too if I could be bothered. And what a unfortunate name the girlfriend has, MISS GERKIN, I would change it by deed poll if I was you, sweetie, or get hitched to BLAINEY quickly, Mrs Blaine sounds ok.
Thank you for reading my column, sweeties and chappos too. Dying to catch up with you all again next month.