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Dear Readers,
We've reached the merry month of May with hopes of blue skies and warm weather and general well being. I'm looking forward to an exciting and busy month with Dinner Dates with visits to the new musical 'Sister Act' at the London Palladium, 'Madame de Sade' starring Judi Dench at Wyndhams Theatre, our May Ball at the Millennium Gloucester Hotel, London and a trip to Shaghai, Xian and Beijing in China!
During the last few miserable months of economic disasters and cold, wet weather some of you may have been more depressed by the break-up of your relationship and now, with the prospect of better weather perhaps you're thinking of getting back together again? Well if that's the case I hope you'll find my article below of help.
Best wishes for a happy month,
Hillie
GETTING BACK WITH YOUR EX!
Everything was going fine. You'd had your ups and downs but suddenly, for no apparent reason to you, you get dumped! You feel devastated. Is there someone else? Did he/she ever love you or care for you at all? You go through real or imagined reasons in your mind over and over again. You drive your friends mad with your questions and moans.
Eventually weeks turn into months and time starts to heal; you realise you can survive without him/her and begin to start a new life. People begin to take an interest in you, you start to notice them and you actually feel good. Then suddenly out of the blue the phone rings and it's your ex. Apparently they've realised that they made a terrible mistake in dumping you; they really miss you and want to meet up. They still love you; they've changed and want you back.
Having got your life back together again, I would like to think you would tell them where to go and hang up. However not many of us are that strong and you're flattered that they miss you so much and want you back. Part of you wants to see them again to see if they really have changed and are genuinely prepared to try to make things work. Maybe the old Sammy Cahn tune is ringing in your head 'Love is lovelier the second time around!' All the good memories of happy times come flooding back into your mind and you waver. You say you have to think about it and will get back to them. Have a think about the following:
Why did you break up in the first place?
We often only remember the good times and the bad times get forgotten. Think about why you broke up because unless both of you have changed, those reasons will re-surface and the relationship will fail again:
Was he/she too immature?
Has he /she grown up? Has they changed or are they just pretending so you'll take them back?
Did he/she cheat on you?
Do you trust him/her? Recognise the warning signs and be wary before you trust again.
Did he/she treat you badly or physically hurt you?
Chances are this leopard won't change his spots. Do you deserve to be abused?
Did you get on with his/her friends & family?
They're a package deal and you must accept this or the relationship won't work.
Did he/she irritate you by being, for example, untidy, lazy or boring?
Unless they've changed, you'll soon seek a new challenge.
Do you mind what he/she got up to when you were apart?
If so, you'll find it difficult to forget or trust them.
What did your friends/family think of you together?
Sometimes those closest to you see things you can't and know whether something's right or wrong. Were they relieved when you split and are they worried now that you're thinking of taking him back?
What do you miss most about him/her?
Even though you may have hurt each other, you still miss them. That's natural; there will always be a part of you that still loves them. Having been free agents, you may think that if you both want to get back together again this relationship was meant to be. Do you miss having a partner or are you just lonely? Perhaps you're flattered they want you back and you're forgetting the negatives about them?
Sometimes going back to an old relationship works but in my experience it never did. You need to be very certain about what you want from your ex and listen intently to what they need from you. You go back with all the right intentions, you talk things through, both of you say you've changed and learnt from past mistakes and are determined to make the relationship work this time.
I hope things work out for you but be prepared that with the best will in the world, all too often we fall back into the same old patterns and realise that these particular leopards can't change their spots.
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
I have a problem. I'm in my early 20's and have never had a relationship. I am not bad looking but I'm really shy. I go out to bars with friends but when they beckon me to chat up a girl I just freeze. I can't bring myself to go through with it. I get very nervous, back down and make an excuse. I also have trouble in understanding women. For example there was a girl who I was later told, really liked me. She was smiling at me and I thought she was just being friendly! There have been many missed opportunities like this. I want to be able to chat up girls but I don't know how to. Where's the best place to meet them, what do I say and how do I know if they like me?
Hillie says:
I am always puzzled as to why people consider bars are the best places to chat up the opposite sex. It is far better to frequent places where you might share similar interests with others and where you don't have to risk humiliation through performing in front of friends. Join sports activities, societies and evening classes or anywhere you would feel confident that you have something in common to talk about with girls you meet. There are no set rules on how to approach someone you like and often a friendly smile is all you need to start the conversation. However if you find your attentions are not reciprocated, just excuse yourself and look elsewhere. Try not to feel rejected because there could be many reasons why she is not interested. For example she may already have a boyfriend. Remember that nothing ventured is nothing gained and for every girl who is not interested in you there will be many more who are.
Dear Hillie
I'm a 20-year-old female, who's getting worried about her relationship history. Every man I ever care about I end up cheating on them; it can be as little as snogging someone, but I always do it. I recently ruined a fantastic relationship by testing the man's patience too many times. I tend to go out with older guys and I worry constantly about being cheated on myself, so I don't understand why I do it. These incidents happen when I'm drunk but even when I'm sober I usually tell the guy that I'm not good enough for him and that we should split up, even though I don't mean it! I just want them to have a means of escape if they feel they need it! I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help it!
Hillie says:
You appear to be terrified of commitment and subconsciously you are determined to find every possible escape route for yourself from a relationship. Don't worry about this. You are only 20 and have many years left ahead of you to make a commitment. Try to stop viewing every new boyfriend as a potential long-term relationship. Just determine to have a good time and make lots of friends. If you relax, have fun and start to broaden your social life, one day you will meet someone you want as a long-term relationship and you won't feel the need to seek an escape route.
Dear Hillie
My husband died unexpectedly three months ago from a heart attack and I just can't come to terms with his death and with being on my own again after so many years of marriage. My friends are wonderful to me and very supportive, and although they ask round to visit and try to introduce me to 'new men', I would rather stay in by myself and think about my husband. How can I cope with this awful emptiness I feel inside me?
Hillie says:
These are still very early days and it is natural that you should feel this way. You must give yourself enough time to grieve. Tell your friends how much you need and appreciate their support but explain that you are not yet ready to contemplate a new relationship. Try contacting CRUSE, the organisation for the bereaved, and talk to people experienced to help you through this difficult time. When you feel ready, look in your local library for details of classes to join to help fill the gap and if you feel up to it, exercise is very beneficial for making you feel good. Time is the great healer so just be patient with yourself because eventually you will be able to cope with a new life.Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then started in show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she founded Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide. www.dinnerdates.com
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club. www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and, as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (31) and Jamie (27) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2011 |
