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Dear Readers,
Flaming June! Well let's hope the saying comes true for I think we all deserve a bit of warmth and good cheer these days. I'm hoping for a blazing hot sunny day on June 19th when I take 50 Dinner Dates members to Ladies Day at Royal Ascot especially as I shall be standing in the open serving them champagne and culinary delights most of the afternoon. Then of course there's Wimbledon which is always more enjoyable in sunshine.
June is also the favourite month for many couples to set their wedding date; I'm very excited indeed to be setting off to Philadelphia with my husband and son to join in the first anniversary celebrations of my daughter's wedding there to her American husband last June.
For those who do not have a partner it's often a month when their 'thoughts turn to fancy'! However for many single people, once they have said yes to a first date, mixed emotions and panic creep in. There's excitement at the prospect of meeting up again with someone they really like mixed with fears of: 'What shall I wear?' 'What do I say?' 'Will they want to see me again?' etc. Well for those of you who may experience such feelings this summer, my article this month is written especially for you. I hope you find it useful and if it helps please let me know.
Have a great month and happy reading,
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
www.dinnerdates.com
www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
THE FIRST DATE
(How to prepare and make the most of it!)
Congratulations! Now that you have arranged your date, let's see how you can make the most of the opportunity.
PREPARATION
Make sure you present yourself in the best possible light, so that if your Date turns out to be as promising as when you first met, you will be sure to secure a second date.
Four things to bear in mind
1. Good conversation topics
2. Presentation
3. Keeping calm
4. Punctuality
Good conversation topics
Speaking from a lifetime of experience I have always found that if a person is right for you there will be no shortage of things to say. If you struggle for something to talk about, you probably don't have much in common.
• Have a few topics of conversation up your sleeve however, avoid researching your Date's occupation, hobby or interests. If you gain some superficial knowledge about a subject you run the risk of getting caught out and feeling foolish.
• Try to remember as much as you can about your first meeting, so, for example, you could ask after their Great Aunt Fanny's trip to Disneyland; how they got on with their MOT; how their new job interview went. If they mentioned going to the cinema or musicals, find out all you can about the latest productions and releases so that if the opportunity arises you could suggest you both go and see one.
• Read, watch and listen to as much as you can about current affairs in the media which will again give you topical subjects to discuss.
• Instead of counting off the hours until the appointed time, go out and do interesting things so that you have plenty of new experiences to talk about since you last met.
PRESENTATION
However nervous and ill at ease you may feel inside, your outward appearance must not show it. If you know you look your very best you will feel much more relaxed and confident and this feeling will transmit to your Date, giving them confidence in you. If you feel good, you will make others feel good too. Five things to bear in mind:
1. Face
2. Hair
3. Body
4. Smell
5. Clothes
Face
Make sure you have some early nights before the date so that your eyes are sparkling as well as your personality. A clean, clear, fresh face is a must, so eat a healthy diet and drink plenty of water to avoid last minute skin eruptions. Ladies, avoid wearing heavy make-up and try to achieve a more natural look; after all if things go well, at some point you'll be seen without make-up and you wouldn't want to scare someone off with the stark contrast!
Hair
Make sure you have clean, shiny hair that looks very touchable; just the sort your Date would love to run their fingers through. Men, if you have a beard or moustache make sure you trim it neatly. Ladies, get rid of any unwanted hair!
Body
Try to get some exercise into your schedule. You will feel more confident if you feel fit and toned and probably more attractive too.
Smell
• Fresh, sweet smelling breath is a must, so brush your teeth. Strong smelling foods such as onions and garlic are best avoided before the date; alcohol, especially beer, will give your breath an unmistakable smell. Of course if you accept an unexpected date shortly after having downed a pint of beer plus cheese and onion crisps, emergency measures are necessary – make sure you're always armed with mints or a breath freshener.
• Avoid overpowering aftershaves or perfumes. Your Date may not be as enamoured with your new scent and might even have an allergic reaction. Many years ago one of my dates was ruined because I was wearing a brand new perfume which I thought was great but dissolved my Date into such a paroxysm of sneezing he left me as soon as he felt he could.
Clothes
Make sure you know where you will be going and what you will be doing so you can dress appropriately. If it is a surprise location then ask if you need formal or informal clothing. As a general rule it is always more acceptable to be casual and underdressed than overdressed. Overdressing can give the impression of trying too hard, making you seem less of a challenge as well as making you feel out of place and awkward. Make sure your clothes and shoes are clean; men, if you wear a tie, watch out for gravy stains! But most importantly, if you think you look good, so will other people.
KEEPING CALM
A first date can be daunting and nerve-racking, reducing the strongest and coolest of us to a quivering blob of jelly. Anyone can panic when they are really keen on someone and want to make the best impression they can. Here are three simple things to bear in mind:
1. Give yourself enough time
2. Think positively
3. Be happy
Give yourself enough time
Allow enough time to get ready so that you're not rushed, flustered and in a panic at the last moment. However it's equally nerve wracking to give yourself too much time. If you're ready too early you may spend the rest of the time pacing round and getting worked up. I did this once and was eventually sick with nerves. I landed up having another shower, a change of make-up and clothes at the last moment and made myself late!
Avoid this by planning the waiting hours like a military manoeuvre. Try not to rush yourself and fill each minute with productive things to do, giving you less opportunity to worry. A good tip I was taught is to drop your shoulders every time you get in a state - it's always worked for me!
Think positively
Thought-block all negative feelings about what will happen on the date and the outcome. Remember, you must have made a really good impression at your first meeting or you would not be embarking on this first date. Think positively that your Date will find you as likeable and attractive now as they obviously did the first time. If you can always think of a positive scenario you will more often than not attract it like a magnet.
Be happy
Think happy thoughts, listen to happy music, watch a funny programme on TV, chat on the phone to a happy friend and be happy. Remember the most important thing you wear is the expression on your face; if you feel miserable with yourself it will show and maybe make your Date feel the same. However, if you present a happy welcoming expression they will feel good and well disposed towards you. Remember that your Date is probably just as nervous as you are.
PUNCTUALITY
It shows good manners, a thoughtful caring personality and respect for the other person to be on time. Two things to bear in mind:
1. Think ahead
2. Be good humoured
Think ahead
Always think ahead and allow time for possible delays. If you are driving, listen to traffic reports to see if there are any jams along the way and allow time in case you get lost and to find a parking space. If you are going by public transport keep yourself up to date for news of any delays. However if you are late, tell the truth about the reason. This will be far more endearing and give you more credibility than if you had made up an excuse. A few simple words such as 'I've got no excuse, I just didn't allow myself enough time to drive here', or 'Halfway here I realised that I'd left your address at home' will suffice.
Be good humoured
If your Date turns up late, be good humoured and laid back about it; at least they turned up! Show you are a good natured and reasonable person and you will win more than a few Brownie points.
Remember that this is going to be an exploratory meeting for both of you and if things don't work out, this Date is not your last hope for happiness; there are plenty more fish in the sea.
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
I've met a man I really like. However I told him I was 29 when I am really 35. I did this because he is 30 and I was afraid he might reject me because of my age. I did not want to come across as desperate. Now I am developing deeper feelings for him, I feel I that I have to be honest but don't know how to tell him. I am also afraid he will end the relationship because of my lack of honesty. Can you suggest an easy way of telling him?
Hillie says:
If he has true feelings for you, your age will not be important. It is personality and character that count. A person can appear to be old at twenty or young at sixty. Tell him the truth as soon as possible and explain why you acted as you did. He should understand your behaviour and your reasons for it. If he doesn't it's better you find out now rather than later.
Dear Hillie
My problem is that all the boyfriends I have had eventually fell out of love with me. I start off a relationship being quite reserved as I take a long time to trust someone but as soon as I start to open up to them they pull away. My current boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and at first he was very keen, always wanting to talk about the future. However as soon as I felt more sure about him and ready to talk about our future he started to change the subject. Although our sex life was good for the first 8 months he now rarely wants to make love which makes me very resentful and I know I'm not so carefree and fun to be with as I used to be. I know I must be doing something wrong because this has happened in previous relationships. I'm really worried.
Hillie says:
Maybe you are sending out the wrong signals about yourself and are therefore attracting the wrong type for you. Your boyfriends are charmed by your reserved nature and then confused when you change and become a different person to the one they originally fell for. Perhaps it is your anxiety to find a lasting relationship which leads you to portray a different personality. Always be yourself because in the end your true character will inevitably be revealed. Relax, enjoy yourself and see what life brings.
Dear Hillie
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 3 weeks now and at first everything was going really well but now we don't seem to have anything to say to each other. I know that it's not because we are nervous or shy with each other. But every time we are together my mind just goes completely blank and I can't think of anything to say to him. If this relationship were to last would this be a major problem? I really like him and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. What should I do?
Hillie says:
You could try going on dates that require little conversation such as outings to the cinema, theatre or a concert but which would give you a shared experience to talk about later. You could also make sure you always go out with friends so that they can bolster the flagging conversation. However if you have nothing to say to each other now it probably means you have little in common and no matter how physically attracted you are to one another the relationship wouldn't work. It is better to move on so that you can be available to meet the man who is right for you. Then you'll find there aren't enough hours in the day for all the things you want to say to each other.
Dear Hillie
I have been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and two months. I love her dearly yet two weeks ago I cheated on her. I told her three days after and she left me. Although we were basically living together her home base was still at her parents. We were having problems with our relationship becoming too routine and I had just started a new job with low pay. All these stresses got to me and I suppose I just wanted out. I really want her back now but I don't think she'll ever trust me again. She says she's already in the healing process and doesn't know if she wants me anymore. I want to marry her. Not yet, but I do see us potentially moving towards a deeper relationship. I realise I have really messed things up and I've explained this to her, written to her, sent her flowers and told her I love her. What more can I do?
Hillie says:
You broke your girlfriend's trust and probably her heart as well; this is not the ideal way forward to a deeper relationship with a view to marriage. If you were truly in love with your girlfriend you would not have wanted another woman and run the risk of losing your girlfriend. Many people want what they can't have, but once they get it they don't want it. Going back to a relationship seldom works! Your girlfriend is already in the healing process so learn from your mistakes, move on and give both of you the chance of finding happiness in new relationships where there is real love and trust.
Dear Hillie
I have always been attracted to tall, slim, leggy women. However, I've finally met someone I really enjoy being with but she is short and stocky! I am torn between whether I should continue with this relationship, or whether I should seek someone I am more attracted to. Please help.
Hillie says:
How successful have your relationships been with tall, slim, leggy women? If they have been less than successful, then maybe a short and stocky girlfriend is a change for the better. If you continue to enjoy her company, then maybe one day you will be surprised to find out how attractive she has become to you! Compatibility between the most successful couples doesn't just rely on physical attraction and few people get to choose the type they fall in love with - it just happens. Very often it's not the sort of person they thought they were looking for. This could well be the turning point in your life!
Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then deviated into show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she launched Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide.
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club.
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (27) and Jamie (24) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus and their cat 'Rufus'.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Information on Dinner Dates can be found at: www.dinnerdates.com
Information on Dinner with Friends can be found at: www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2008
 
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