June 2004
  Social Scene

Well, darling sweeties, it's summer now and you can see saggy baggy celebrities and socialites everywhere in too little clothes at all the parties I have been attending.

Did you see the pictures of that dreadful DONATELLA VERSACE topless on the beach with her bum hanging out of her too small bikini? You would think the old dear could design herself a decent cover up, would you not, sweeties? I mean, puleese! If anyone needs a bum lift, it is her.

DELICIA (not very) DUVALL has allegedly had a bum implant and now her bum splays out to the side like batwings. I mean, I ask you, sweeties, how attractive is that? I have seen her close up and it is not a pretty sight, I can tell you. How unattractive also is that ridiculous POSH (not at all) BECKHAM woman who's all scrawn and "coconut halves" (implants) (allegedly). I bumped into her at MEG's recently and you could knock her over with a feather. So she is now saying her husband DAVID - with the weedy voice - was faithful to her, is she? WEll in that case they would have litigated all those women, would they not have?

So the bleached blonde ex supermodel turned actress /turned presenter is really 40 something not 20 something, is she/ Well, sweeties, no wonder her ridiculous agent CRABBY was denying that she had had all those beauty treatments and facial vitamin injections. It all fits into place and makes perfect sense now, do you not think, sugar plums? Well I was the only person to write about it at the time because nobody else dared because the dreadful Crabby was screaming at everyone on the phone. Well I say we all know about that now, do we not?

Who is that ridiculous vicious STEVE someone on LBC who is always slagging off all the female celebrities but obviously does not know them or have actually seen them in the flesh or met them as I have. What has he got against women, I wonder? I think I should replace him soon.

I have recently had to go to THE WOLSELEY quite a lot because my toyboy PIERRE likes it, but I have to say what a pretentious place with snotty staff and, sweeties, the people that go there, especially the chappos, too awful, darlings. It takes ages to get served, just like that dreadful HELLS KITCHEN with that frightful bore GORDON RAMSHACKLE and all those pathetic celebs all cowering in awe of him. He should take me on. I expect we will be seeing our dragon lady Ed in chief on there next time. After all she was on that dreadful DINERS show, was she not, sweeties? What a crock that was. (Well, I expect that bit will get edited out.)

I expect this bit will get edited out too but I hear the other dragon lady Dep was spotted loitering outside the DORCHESTER with that tiresome little man she is not supposed to be seeing at all any more. Well I know everything because I know all the Hotel staff in London and I get all the good tip-offs.

I attended one of those ghastly conservative dos last month where I spotted a certain well known socialist ex ambassador obviously spying and one of the awful POISON DWARFS the one that has been banned by our Ed. (Have all the bleached blonde PDs who are "surgically enhancedas" as they call it been banned from all the good events now? They do not seem to be so much in evidence.)

Is it not awful seeing that ghastly pair TRINNY (the skinny one) and TRANNY (the fat one that looks like a tranny) on the buses all the time advertising coffee, darlings. Is it not enough that we have to put up with them on television being unpleasant about peoples clothes and telling them what to wear when they have not even got any sense of dress themselves. I mean why does the fat one always to wear white which makes her middle aged spread look even more matronly around the midriff and the skinny one wears black which she does not need to make her look even skinnier. Most people think the thin one is not as bad as the fat one. What do you think, sweeties? You can write to me about this. Really I think I should be advising what to wear on television. As you know, darlings, I am a Columbian firecracker and much more attractive to the chappos and my dresses are all couture of course. I think I could teach those women a thing or two.

You can continue to write to me, chappos, I enjoy my fan mail but I am dedicated to Pierre at the moment.

Thank you for reading my page.

Yours regally


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