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Dear Readers,
Sunny days, strawberries, iced pimms, the smell of barbeques, the sound of lawn mowers – well I've experienced all of these in the last few weeks so I guess it must be summer! Last week I luckily chose the only sunny day to host a Dinner Dates event for 50 members at Royal Ascot on Ladies Day. There was champagne and strawberries in abundance, plenty of winnings and we all had a great time. Saturday July 5th will see me plus pimms in the Stewards Enclosure at Henley Royal Regatta with another large Dinner Dates Group and Saturday July 12th marks our Summer Ball at One Whitehall Place. A busy time you might say but the summer months make work seem less laborious and I really enjoy the outdoors and summer events.
I also find summertime makes me feel more alive, optimistic and positive. I'm one of the fortunate few because pessimism seems to be on the increase nowadays – hardly surprising you may say in this economic climate but maybe not. If you're one of those people feeling low and pessimistic and convinced that nothing can go right for you perhaps my article this month on positive thinking will help. Let me know if it does!
Have a great month and happy reading,
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
www.dinnerdates.com
www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
POSITIVE THINKING
If you are someone who
• Constantly looks for things to go wrong
• Feels uncomfortable when things are going well
• Often says 'I would have if only....'
• Tends to blame others or circumstances for your misfortunes
• Nit-picks at others' shortcomings instead of appreciating their good points
You are tending towards negativity.
The first step towards positivity is to recognise that things can't go your way 100% of the time - but neither can they go against you 100% of the time. Be prepared for this and don't become paralysed by negativity.
Six ways positively to change your life
• Change your attitude
• Thought-block negative thoughts
• Be positive when you speak
• Consider each problem as a challenge
• Use your mind as a positive magnet
• Change your negative patterns
Change your attitude
It is never too late to change. You can't change others but you can change yourself. Change the way you think and talk about you and surround yourself with good and positive people. Think yourself a winner and you will be. If you constantly tell yourself you can't do something or you are hopeless, then you are giving yourself no chance whatsoever. Change your vocabulary to I can; I will; I shall be successful; and you can move mountains, for anything is possible.
Thought-block negative thoughts
From this very second start to eliminate doubts from your mind and your conversation. Every time a negative fear enters your mind, thought-block it out. By this I mean immediately concentrate your thoughts onto other happier prospects and plans, and mentally forbid those negative doubts.
Be positive when you speak
Banish the word can't from your vocabulary and start saying I can. Don't talk about what you don't want or don't have, start talking about what you would like. Stop thinking and talking about what could go wrong in a situation, and start planning how you are going to make everything come right. Never think of failure, because by doing so you attract it. If you have a setback, welcome it as a useful learning exercise towards future success. Mistakes are just errors of judgement which anyone could have made. Remember it is better to have done something and failed, than never even have tried.
Consider each problem as a challenge
Start thinking of problems as a challenge and an opportunity to learn. If the great inventors of our time hadn't made countless mistakes, learnt from them, made more mistakes but still progressed forward, we probably wouldn't have advanced past the caveman era. Be enthusiastic about life and never stop striving to improve yourself until the day your very last breath!
Use your mind as a positive magnet
We have the power to attract the good or the bad in any situation. Our minds act like magnets. If you concentrate your thoughts on what you want to happen, and constantly re-create that happy scenario in your mind, it probably will. If you fear something you will automatically attract it.
Even saying the words 'I don't want this to happen' can make your mind go towards it. How often have you said to yourself 'I mustn't dirty this clean shirt because I haven't got another to wear for my job interview' or 'I must be careful not to ladder my tights because this is my last pair' and you pretty soon spill your cup of coffee down your shirt, or accidentally rip your tights.
The same thing happens in our relationships when we are afraid of losing our partner. The very fact that we even think about losing their love and affection puts us on a dangerous course. Just concentrate on and enjoy what you have now, and leave the future to take care of itself.
Change your negative patterns
You may be someone who is always broke, always late, always in a mess, always having accidents, always has the flu three times a year or gets a headache every Sunday night; always has a drama happening in your life. You can change your way of life: you can become someone who says 'I'm always healthy'; 'life is good to me'; 'life is fun'. Be positive and make plans to achieve new goals to change your finances. Stop doing everything at the last moment and re-organise yourself to have enough time to be on time. Eliminate the danger of having accidents because you are always in a rush. Banish the very idea of getting ill from your mind - it is a well known fact that many people have overcome serious illness with just sheer will-power and positive thinking. Start organising your life so that you are not stressed into living in a constant state of disorder.
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
My girlfriend is always accusing me of being jealous and possessive over her and I know she's right but I just can't stop myself. Whenever she says she's seeing her girlfriends I can't stop cross-questioning her about it and when we're out together I feel a mixture of terror and rage inside me if she smiles at another guy or talks to him. Sometimes these feelings are so strong that I have to leave and it takes days before I feel recovered enough to speak to her again. I know she'll get fed up soon and leave me. How can I handle the way I feel?
Hillie says
Jealousy is insecurity in yourself making you feel that others are more important than you are and that you are worth a lesser amount of love than them. Being jealous is allowing someone else's behaviour to cause you emotional discomfort. Try to understand that jealousy is a put down of you and if you can learn to love and appreciate yourself and your own good qualities more you won't allow yourself to get upset by your girlfriend. If she chooses to be with her friends or talk to other guys it's her choice and absolutely no reflection on you or your own worth. Being jealous of your girlfriend is showing a lack of trust in her and no relationship can survive without trust. Jealousy can never alter the situation to your advantage - it usually has the opposite effect: it's a wasteful emotion which prevents you from enjoying the present moment and each present moment is the only important moment of your life.
Dear Hillie
I've been going out with my boyfriend on and off for four years and we've had wonderful times together as well as bad. All the time I've been with him I've never felt he was committed to our relationship and have expected him to leave at any time - which he has done frequently. However hard I try to please him he constantly criticises me or my children and half the time he accuses me of things that apply to him and not to me. I love him dearly but all this has made me feel insecure and nervous and sometimes I say or do stupid things. We have split up three times so far and each time he says he's off to find the perfect person for him - but he's always come back within days or weeks. Over the last month we've been happier than ever and he has wanted to spend all his time with me. However yesterday he came round out of the blue and calmly told me that we were both getting older and wasting each other's time, that we needed to go out and look for our perfect persons. He again ended the relationship. I feel in a state of shock and also terrified that he really means it this time. I feel like I have had a limb cut off and I'm desperate to know if there is anything I can do to win him back. Please advise me.
Hillie says:
Some people are committed to being non-committed to any relationship. They build up an image of the perfect person they would like to be with that is so unachievable they can never commit themselves to anyone. However hard you try to please him your boyfriend will find something to criticise because he has to look for excuses to give him a way out, especially when you are at your happiest together. There is no such being as the perfect person and life is full of compromises. This pattern he has set could go on for years. Is this what you really want out of life? Now is the time to decide to change your own pattern and never again allow anyone to make you feel insecure or destroy your self confidence again. You mustn't blame yourself for the break up of this relationship, you just chose the wrong man!
Dear Hillie
I have been seeing a man for eight months now and we have known each other for three years. When we first started going out together he was seeing another girl who I also know. He told me that he loved me from the moment we met and after seeing each other for four months I told him I couldn't continue with the relationship unless he finished with her, so he did. However I know he still goes out with her, speaks to her on the phone every day and that she has no idea I am seeing him. He says they are now just good friends. So why is he keeping our relationship a secret? I know she is still in love with him but I am also in love with him and want the world to know. Every time I challenge him about the situation he gets really nasty and tells me it's not the right time to let our secret out. I keep accepting the situation because I don't want to lose him. Am I being made a fool of?
Hillie says:
I am sorry that you find yourself in what appears to be an impossible situation and I suggest you extricate yourself from it as soon as possible. If this man truly loved you or the other girl he would not want to risk hurting either of you. You are both deceiving the other girl who is the innocent party in this affair and he is keeping his options open by making sure his relationship with you is a secret. You say you don't want to lose him but has he ever been truly yours to keep? Please don't waste any more of your valuable time and emotions on this man. Make sure your next relationship is with someone who will be open, honest and proud to tell the world about his love for you.
Dear Hillie
I recently met a girl on chat lines. We live reasonably close and get on incredibly well. She understands me more than anyone I have ever met, we have so much in common and we are so alike that there is almost a deep spiritual bond between us. I find myself thinking about her constantly and can't wait until the next time we talk. We have each other's picture, talk to each other almost every night and e-mail every day. My problem is that she has a boyfriend, and although they don't live very close to each other I understand that their relationship is still going strong. I know I mustn't come between them and should just dismiss my feelings for her. I feel I could never tell her how much I care for her. But I have been so unlucky in love, that to finally find the person who seems best suited for me and not to be able to have her close is driving me crazy. What should I do?
Hillie says:
If your friend's relationship with her boyfriend were ideal she would not want to spend so much time communicating with you. I think you should arrange a meeting with her and force the issue. If she really feels that a relationship with you is not possible then it is best to know sooner than later, accept the fact and move on. You might even feel differently about her once you have met. However if you are both as keen on each other as you appear to be at present there will be no need to waste any more precious time apart.
Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then deviated into show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she launched Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide.
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club.
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (27) and Jamie (24) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus and their cat 'Rufus'.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Information on Dinner Dates can be found at: www.dinnerdates.com
Information on Dinner with Friends can be found at: www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2009
 
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