|
Dear Readers,
Welcome to a New Year, I hope it will be a good one for you. Many of you will have formed new relationships during the festive season and once the parting is over will be wondering how to make sure your new romance doesn't fade away. If so, my article this month is for you and I hope it helps.
Happy reading,
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
www.dinnerdates.com
www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
MAINTAINING THE RELATIONSHIP
Five aspects to consider in keeping your relationship going
• Romance
• Communication
• Staying friends
• Boredom
• Attraction to others
Romance
If love makes the world go round, then it could be said that romance lubricates the bearings, and in my opinion you can never have too much of it! Romance can be any little act that surprises, delights, titillates and makes the other person feel good. A romantic act does not have to be an extravagant gesture such as whisking your loved one away for an unexpected Valentines night dinner in Paris. It can be a simple gesture such as: a gift of a single rose; a phone call to say 'I love you'; a candlelit dinner at home; cuddling up in front of a log fire on a winter's night; 'holding hands at midnight under a starry sky' to make your loved one feel special.
It is important to make regular payments into your emotional bank account. By this I mean instead of once a year maybe giving a red rose, going out for a romantic dinner for two, or saying 'I love you', you should frequently do romantic deeds which will always keep the emotional bank account topped up and in credit.
Communication
It is vital to constantly communicate with each other, talking through the good times, the problems and the worries. To do this you need to make an effort to spend time together. Nowadays there is so much to occupy our time such as: working to make ends meet; looking after a family or pursuing a hobby, that we sometimes lose track of our priorities and neglect our partner. It is essential to make time for each other to avoid drifting apart.
Communication by touch is also an essential element of any relationship. Sometimes a reassuring arm around the shoulder or a kiss can speak more than a thousand words.
Remember that your relationship should never stand still or be taken for granted. Strive to improve it at all times through the learning process of communication, negotiation and compromise. Maybe every few months sit down together and discuss how to re-evaluate your relationship. Set new guide lines because not only is life around us constantly changing, we are too.
Staying friends
It is difficult to have a loving and fulfilling relationship with your partner unless there is a deep, underlying friendship between you.
Good friends like and trust each other, treat one another in a courteous way and respect the other's feelings. They respect each other's individuality, do not take liberties with them and allow them to be their own person whether or not their views coincide with their own. Being friends with someone is being able to say sorry when you are in the wrong, being able to wait for your friend to say sorry to you and accepting that apology with good grace. Genuine friends will listen to each other's aims and aspirations, praise, support, encourage them, and pick them up if things go wrong. Friends like making each other happy, and having fun and laughs together. They will try to think of ways to please their friend and try to avoid undermining the other's confidence with unhealthy criticisms. Finally, friends are a united team who will stand by each other whatever circumstances may try to dictate.
Boredom
Boredom is debilitating and unhealthy and it is important to keep any relationship exciting and interesting, trying not to fall into boring routine habits. Anything can become boring if it becomes a routine habit, even buying your partner a bunch of flowers each week can lose its novelty value. Try to think of new things to do and please – variety is the spice of life. Someone once told me that boring people get bored. People who are not boring would never allow themselves the self-indulgence of getting bored. They will always find something to do to amuse themselves or others.
Be original in your thinking and don't expect your partner to provide all the inspiration. If you hear your partner mention that there is a particular film or show they would like to see, present them with surprise tickets one evening. Arrange a weekend away to somewhere they have always wanted to visit, suggest learning a new sport or dance together, suggest some home improvements which you could tackle together such as decorating. Try to keep interesting projects on the go, keep abreast of the news, maintain individual interests such as your work or a hobby as well as sharing activities together and you will always have lots to talk about. Try to avoid being like many couples who sit together in silence in a restaurant, seemingly having nothing left to say to each other except pleasantries such as, 'What would you like for your main course?'
Keep your sense of humour and try to see the ridiculous and absurd in almost any situation and have a laugh together. Keeping your partner amused will make them feel good and hopefully keep depressing boredom at bay.
Keep your sex life stimulating and exciting and don't fall into boring routines. Surprise your lover with ingenuity such as making love in unusual places, anywhere so long as it's not too uncomfortable, will do! Make love in the shower, in the bath, on the stairs, under the stars, by candlelight, in front of a log fire on a winter's night. Read a few books on the subject or watch films that you find erotic and sexy if you run out of ideas. Try to keep your passion as spontaneous and alive as when you first lusted after each other.
Attraction to others
Be satisfied with what you have and never jeopardise it for the sake of a fleeting fling. A good relationship is priceless and worthy of a lot of effort to keep it in good shape. The grass doesn't usually turn out to be any greener if you stray, and you run the risk of losing something very precious. Try not to put yourself in the way of temptation by going on holiday or to a party on your own. There will always be predatory, unattached people around who would delight in stealing you away from your happy relationship. Look at others when you are with your partner and thank your lucky stars you have each other.
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie:
I am recently single - fresh from a 5 year relationship - and I have totally forgotten how to flirt. When I was with my man, I felt like I was super-hot and just assumed that everyone would like me if it weren't for my boyfriend. However now I'm back on the game, no one pays me any attention like I thought they would. I seem to have lost the ability to make myself look available. How do I attract men again, like I used to?
Thanks!
Hillie says:
A good-looking and attached woman in a steady relationship is an attractive prospect for certain men. They feel safe in the knowledge that there is no danger of commitment. The woman in turn feels confident and secure enough to flirt back. It's all a game! However sometimes the flirting seems real and that's when many a relationship gets rocky.
Now you are single you don't have the security of a relationship base and you've temporarily lost your confidence. Here are a few ways to help you regain it:
Improve your feelings of self-worth
Make a list of all your attributes and achievements; believe in yourself and give yourself some mental praise. Always remember that you determine your own worth and that your worth has absolutely nothing to do with your actions or the way you feel about things. Sometimes you won't like the way you behaved but this has nothing to do with your worth. Learn from your mistakes and determine to do better next time.
Realise that you are not unique - others are nervous as well
We all get nervous in varying situations, and if you can concentrate on putting others at their ease instead of concentrating on your own unease, they will respond well to you and you will begin to feel more confident.
Don't be fearful of what others may think of you
Have the courage of your convictions to do what you feel is right for you, providing you don't hurt anyone else in doing so. It doesn't matter what others think of you - we can't be everyone's favourite person. Face the fact that not everyone in this life is going to like you or your actions, so you might as well go with your own insticts and get on with what you want to do.
Never put yourself down
Putting yourself down through your conversation or actions does nothing to enhance your image. If you concentrate on the best in you, not only will this give you more self confidence, but it will instil a sense of well-being in whoever you are with at the time.
Learn to receive compliments
Try to develop the habit of accepting compliments with good grace and a thank you. Never ignore kind words; accept what they say and give your self esteem a boost.
Fake confidence
One way I have found to help my self confidence is to fake it. Many people when they gain success or fame begin to feel less confident in themselves as they wonder how they can keep up with their public image. However, because they become so adept at faking confidence, the likes of you and I would never guess their insecurities. I'm sure that after a few months of acting out a self confident you, you will find that you have even convinced yourself!
Understand that the world is your mirror
When you are smiling and feeling great the whole world seems to smile with you and life takes on a completely different hue. The world is like a mirror and reflects the way we think about ourselves. When you don't like yourself you will tend to find fault in others and they in turn may begin to dislike you. When you like yourself, you will tend to treat others in a fair understanding and pleasant way which they will appreciate. Once you feel confident in yourself others will feel confident with you.
If you resolve to be happy and think happy and positive thoughts, you will portray a happy, 'together' personality and you will be amazed how much men will be attracted to you.
Dear Hillie:
My question is what is the best way to deal with unwanted attention? I had a guy interested in me. We met for a drink but I didn't really feel any spark or connection with him. He later asked me out again to which I said politely no thanks and that I only wanted to be friends, nothing else. He's still texting me but I am ignoring them. I feel a bit mean ignoring them but really don't want to be rude?
Hillie says:
Maybe when you said you wanted to be friends you gave him hope so you need to put him out of his misery as soon as possible. If you really don't want to see or hear from this guy again you must tell him. Text or call him and firmly let him know you have changed your mind and that now you never want to see or hear from him again, even as a friend. Sometimes it's better to be 'cruel' to be kind.
Dear Hillie:
Recently an ex of mine got back in touch and is asking if we can start again but I am wondering if it can ever really work with an ex or whether you should both move on. A bit about us ...... we were together for a year and madly in love but split up as we bickered quite a lot; both needed to sort out our own issues. Ten months later he is back but during this time I was dating someone else and so was he. When he got in touch I had recently split with my partner but I was ok about it all as I knew he wasn't the one for me; it would never have worked hence me ending it. My ex had split with his partner just over two months before but I don't think he is over it. He says he is but there are reasons for me thinking different and to make it worse they work together. I guess what I am asking is how do I know if he is really over the last relationship or should I go with my instinct? Can a relationship with an ex ever work second time round?
Hillie says:
I think you should always go with your instincts as they will invariably be right. In my experience going back to a relationship rarely works out because eventually the underlying reasons why you originally broke up will surface again unless you have both completely changed. In my opinion this would be the wrong time for either of you to start a new relationship as you are both on the rebound. Maybe keep in touch occasionally as friends and concentrate on being on your own for a while, re-assessing what you really want in life and what you would like in a partner.
Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then deviated into show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she launched Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide.
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club.
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (27) and Jamie (24) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus and their cat 'Rufus'.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Information on Dinner Dates can be found at: www.dinnerdates.com
Information on Dinner with Friends can be found at: www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2009
 
|
