Darlings, I know I’m difficult and not everybody agrees with my style, but you have to admit I do put some spice into Hot Gossip. Maybe I should stand for parliament, I wouldn’t need an Alistair Campbell sound-alike, I could do all the spin myself.
The last party I showed up for before I was off to gay Paree for the Yuletide and Bonne Annee celebrations was PATTI BOULAYE'S Christmas party for her AID FOR AFRICA charity. We have to support these causes. But it was a complete scrum with all sorts of free "Press" people and gatecrashers, and running out of food and drink. But this was not Patti's fault she is a really nice lady. It was her rude guests, sixty of them only booking on the day, probably because they were waiting for a better invitation and did not get one. What a lot of jerks there are on the social scene in this country, people would not be allowed to book on the actual day for a posh nobs gathering for charity in Paris for instance, where society is much stricter.
I met the Jest of Honor ANTONY ANDREWS, that actor chappo who married an hair-ess, and passed out on the stage when he was playing Professor Higgins in MY FAIR LADY last summer because he had drunk eight litres of water, which anyone could tell you is far too much even if you are a horse - and you do not have to be a "Fitness And Beauty" expert to know that. Anyway he was very nice, what a shame all the nice looking men in London are married or taken, so it seems. The room was also full of HOT GOSSIP editors even though I am the only one who writes about the social scene.
Just when I thought we had got rid of the poison dwarf, another comes on the scene, the ghastly ANGOLA ALARMING woman, the one who is a dead ringer for that JOSHING WILDENSTEIN plastic surgerised from top to toe woman, but this one has bleached white broken hair. Anyway this one is knicker-named "Trout Pout" by certain Conservative Party people because she allegedly upset parents when their nice young children were singing songs during a concert by flashing her boobs at the men. One of the men who got flashed at said it was not a pretty sight, the boob that flashed at him looked like "an overinflated balloon with a dried up prune on top".
At another party she turned up uninvited – a gatecrasher – and caused a scene by insulting the hostess and her security, and sitting on people’s laps and even pulling her skirt up………goodness me, what a terrible thing to be doing. Where do these people come from? A woman like that would not gain access to the posh society parties in Paris where I went for the holidays with my new young chappo PIERRE, who is my best kept secret and I am going to draw a veil over our goings on in Paris over the festive time but it was very social and I do not mind introducing him to Paris society where society is really society.
BTW, I hear the original Poison Dwarf allegedly used to carry a certain illegal substance in the soles of her high heeled kicking shoes. Got this from a cop on the hop, so to speak, never a dull moment.
There are also a lot of unattractive sights not just in London society, but in show business too. Why do the people with the worst figures always wear the most awful clothes? That BEYONCE has the worst legs in the business, like tree trunks, but wears the shortest skirts, she is trying to be like TINA TURNER but she is a sexy old broad with very toned and worked out curvy legs who can get away with those short minis even though she is older. Even BRITNEY should not wear those ghastly cowboy boots with her short stocky legs, and did you see those pictures of CHRIS EVANS in a swimsuit, he should keep that beer gut to himself, that poor BILLIE WOTSANAME.
Are you going to watch I AM A CELEBRITY IN THE JUNGLE thing? I suppose it will be on for weeks again with booby JORDAN and that fat one from the ANAEMIC PUSSYCATS and the Lord who did time in jail, not that podgy Archer, the other more skinny young and quite good looking one, quite nice actually, and I have never heard of the rest of them. We should have our JACQUIELINE DAVIS on that show, she would probably handcuff the lord, cage the cat and arrest Jordon for exposing her breasts to the beasts of the jungle. I will write about it next time anyway since we do not have a TV and film reviewer on this magazine even though I keep telling our editor in chief that we should have one, and my new best friend Pierre could do it, he is a famous journalist in Paris and knows ROLAN RAT and all those paps that chased PRINCESS LADY DI.
Since you all want to see me for real I am thinking of having a photograph for you next month.