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Why is Christmas Often the Hardest Time of the Year?
Christmas may be a time for love, family and forgiveness, but it's also the time struggling relationships often face up to their fate. January 12th is 'D' Day for divorce enquiries, following traumatic festive periods for the unhappily married. Financial pressures, family visits, office parties, excess alcohol and high expectations are all factors that can send struggling marriages or relationships spiralling into serious problems.
For many, Christmas sees relationship problems reach a crescendo – and they realise all they want for Christmas is to be single again. However, for those who value and hope to save their relationship, Christmas can be the perfect time to re-connect – if handled with care.
Floundering relationships cannot be saved by the spirit of love and forgiveness alone, and powerful images in advertising of happy families and loved-up bliss can only serve to highlight how bad things are for some people.
I strongly advise couples to take a proactive approach to their relationship this Christmas, through communication, forward planning and, if necessary, relationship coaching.
Many clients have reported Christmas as being a time of disappointment, which is nearly always due to communication breakdown. Christmas really is a time of great expectations, and the pressure to have the perfect day, the 'House & Garden' home, the size 10 figure for the party and give the ideal presents leaves little time and energy for nurturing relationships.
For those who are facing their first Christmas alone this year, yuletide can be even tougher for those who don't fit into the Christmas Card image of family.
However with a bit of effort, will and determination, Christmas can be the perfect time to embrace a new era of freedom.
There are many factors that can make Christmas a difficult time after divorce. The trick is to take steps to prepare yourself for those difficult moments – and make plans to enjoy the things that matter most to you this Christmas.
Facing Christmas as a singleton after years of sharing the festive season with a partner can be very difficult. From attending social events to waking up alone on Christmas morning, the festive season brings a lot of landmarks to the new divorcee.
The family occasions often involve relatives expressing their sorrow or shock at your divorce, or asking how you are 'coping.' Meanwhile, well meaning friends could be trying to set you up.
Reduced financial circumstances often see divorcees having to do Christmas on a tighter budget than before, or in a much smaller home.
For parents who aren't going to spend Christmas with their children, this can be a particularly harrowing time. Take comfort from the fact that the kids are more likely than you to get caught up in the moment, ripping into presents, enjoying all the food, games and television and that they tend not to be the ones who suffer.
Five benefits of enjoying Christmas alone:
1. You can get up when you want and open your presents when you want
2. You don't need to eat turkey, you can eat what you want
3. You can choose what you want to watch on TV, or even turn it off
4. You could go away on holiday
5. You can cancel Christmas and have it when you want!
Five ways to help your relationship over the festive:
1. Agree what the family budget is beforehand
2. Delegate household chores to all family members
3. Have an agreement about house guests
4. Remember it is only one day
5. Find time to be together alone
Five things to avoid over Yuletide:
1. Taking affront at gifts given – no matter what they are
2. Putting more effort into the things which give nothing back
3. Taking responsibility for emotional scrooges who don't show love or respect
4. Assuming you are less important than anyone else
5. Getting stressed over the small details
Five ways to Add a Bit of Sparkle to your Relationship
1. Slow down and stop filling your diaries so full
2. Go out on a date and get one of the house guests to babysit
3. Ask for what you want clearly
4. Ask your partner what they need from you to know that they are loved
5. Hold hands, cuddle on the settee and remember what you were like when you first met – practise it again.
Five tips for 1st year Divorcees
1. If the family gathering is looming, take extra care with dressing, put on a smile and embrace them all
2. If you are writing cards consider printing off a short typed paragraph which states that you are no longer together and popping it into the card. If it is still too raw, don't send any cards – no-one will mind.
3. As your budget may be reduced, so must your spend be. Explain this to the children old enough to understand – any younger and they won't notice.
4. Check with your ex if he/she wants to swop presents or not so you're not caught out
5. Start some new traditions – different tree decorations, watch night service, candles, letters to santa, having or being guests.
There are no set rules, only the ones we think we should follow. We are indoctrinated into thinking we must do it a certain way or it will all be ruined, it's just not true.
As a Christmas present for you Hot Gossip readers, I'm offering 20% off my 4 new packages during December and January. I will be available daily right through till 29th December – my children are with their father this year and I'm choosing to do things differently! We're having Christmas Day on 1st January – though as a Scot, what else would you expect!
Until I hear from you, please remember to be safe and keep smiling.
Jackie can be emailed – Jackie@thedivorcecoach.co.uk
Jackie Walker is Master Practitioner of NLP, life coach and Spiritual Practitioner. She lives in Edinburgh and set up The Divorce Coach after her own challenging divorce experiences. Her methods help people instantly identify the real issues, challenges and obstacles of divorce and relationship breakdown and overcome them in easy stages. New practices are opening September in Guildford and Paddington for clients who prefer to work in person rather than by phone.
Resources: Divorce Survival Report and Your Personal Relationship Audit are both available from www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk along with a raft of easily digestible information and her new ebook 7 Easy Steps to Stress Less Relationships. |
