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Dear Readers,
Welcome back! Well, the "weather outside is frightful", the news is dire, the country's going bankrupt but "'tis the season to be jolly" so big smiles all round and let's actually look forward to Christmas! Stop panicking about what you're going to buy everyone; does it really matter? It sounds trite but it really is "the thought that counts". The fact that you've bothered to buy something and wrap it up and then given it to someone to have the pleasure of opening it, says a lot. You can never be sure whether people will like your gifts so why worry? You're probably thinking you're running out of time! When can I get the time to go shopping and write the cards? In fact you have up to and including December 24th to shop and up to December 23rd if you use special delivery for your cards! Start your lists for Christmas cards and presents. Make a date in your diary for one evening of writing cards, one day of shopping and posting them and one evening for wrapping the presents. Order the food and booze and you're halfway there! However remember to make a budget and spend within it. Work out how much you can spend on Christmas without putting vital bills at risk by going past their due date.
After just one day and two evenings you're left with the rest of the time to get into the spirit of the season and hopefully to party. This is also the best chance of the year for singles to make new friends at Christmas get-togethers. So accept every invitation you can and take every opportunity to go out and network. Dinner Dates is offering a wonderful Christmas Ball on December 13th at the Café Royal just 6 days before this historic venue closes for ever.
Empire Napoleon Suite Photo
Christmas is about being in touch with friends and family so if they haven't contacted you yet, you make the first move to get together. This is especially important if you've decided to get away from it all and to spend time 'chilling out' on the slopes or a tropical beach. It will mean so much more to your loved ones that you made time to see them before you go rather than just giving them a Christmas greetings call from your resort. Christmas is about giving, not expensive gifts but the giving of yourself.
I love Christmas and I'm not ashamed to admit it. From the moment the lights are switched on and the shops begin to look magical I'm thrilled. I'm especially excited this Christmas for my daughter is coming home from the States to stay for two weeks. My son, my husband, my ex-husband and his wife, his cousin and wife and my sister are all going to be with us on Christmas day. We all get on so well that I know we're going to have a brilliant day.
Sadly Christmas can be a tricky time for some as tensions and expectations are high. Christmas has been ranked sixth on the scale of most stressful life events. Relationships break up and families row, which brings me to my article below. I hope you find it useful.
Have a very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year,
Best wishes
Hillie
How to survive Christmas day with the family!
1 Be Patient
2 Keep your sense of humour
3 Lower your expectations. No family is perfect, just accept them all for who they are.
4 Be gracious about gifts. You'll most probably receive some you don't like or want but grin and appreciate how much expectation is hanging on your reaction to the gift that was chosen for you. Never throw a compliment or gift back in someone's face. It's cruel.
5 Don't be disappointed if despite all your heavy hints your partner didn't get you the one thing you wanted. In fact expect you're not going to get what you want from the very beginning and you won't be disappointed. You could be pleasantly surprised!
6 Show your enjoyment of the food and make the hard working cook feel happy. Maybe two small helpings of everything will make it look like you are eating more than you actually are.
7 If you're the cook don't be pressured into being competitive over Christmas. Take your time, don't worry if the food's burn't and the vegetables are soggy, it's really not the be all and end all. You're surrounded by people who care for you so if you need help, ask for it. Try not to be proud, worrying if your decorations and tree don't look straight out of a magazine. You're human like the rest of us.
8 Keep a check on how much you tipple. Avoid getting argumentative because of the booze and risking a massive hangover. Try to drink a glass of water for every glass of alcohol you drink. During the meal try to alternately sip wine and water. It really works.
9 Walk away from family arguments, bickering and rows. Christmas is a time for a cease fire; leave any disputes until after the holiday. Bite your tongue. Don't let thoughtless remarks spoil your day; smile and suffer in silence.
10 Have a few conversational diversions ready in case people turn their attention to you and ask awkward questions such as "why is a pretty girl like you still single?" Alternatively think of witty retorts in advance.
11 If people feel drowsy after the meal, suggest a walk in the fresh air to clear everyone's heads.
12 Finally if you're a visitor let the host know in advance how long you will be staying. If you can only stay for a shorter time than your family hoped for there will be no last minute hurt feelings. On the other hand don't outstay your welcome, tiring out your hosts and making them think twice before asking you again.
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
I'm 26, attractive and I'm getting desperate! I just can't find myself a boyfriend and I'm scared I won't have anyone special to see the New Year in with. I go to pubs and clubs with my friends and we often meet up with groups of guys there and have fun for the evening but I never meet anyone just for me. There's no-one at work that I fancy and it's the same story when I go to friends parties. I'm getting really depressed. What should I be doing?
Hillie says:
Often desperate people tend to frighten off the very people they want to attract. Most people want to meet someone who is relaxed and happy with their lot in life, someone who is not looking for others to provide their enjoyment in life. So try to adopt a more happy go lucky approach to life and widen your circle of friends. Instead of just frequenting pubs and clubs where people are generally only out for a good time, place yourself in environments where you are more likely to meet your type of person, where chances are that you'll be at your most friendly and relaxed. For example join a health club if you are sporty; societies such as an amateur dramatics society can be great fun and a good way to make new friends and share a common interest, special interest groups, evening classes, the list is endless. Dating is a numbers game, the more people you meet the more likely you are to meet someone special for you. Even if you make new girlfriends, most of them will probably have male friends they don't fancy but you might. Start as soon as you to try to meet people with similar interests to yours and watch your social life take off.
Dear Hillie
I've been single for a few years now but I started seeing this guy a couple of weeks ago. He seemed to be the perfect match for me and we got on really well. I'm in my mid thirties and ready to settle down so I desperately want this relationship to work. Last weekend he went out without me and I phoned him during the evening hoping he would ask me to join him. He didn't and he wasn't pleased that I had checked up on him. This upset me because I thought from what he had previously said that he wanted to be with me all the time. I left an upset message on his answer phone later that night saying that I didn't like being left on my own. Now he doesn't call me at all and I'm worried that I've blown it with him. I don't want to call him in case he doesn't want to know me any more. Have I frightened him off by being too possessive? I only wanted to be with him and I don't know what to do now.
Hillie says
Sometimes if we have been alone for a while we start to feel desperate to find a partner. Unfortunately this desperation frightens away the very people we want to attract. A person needs to feel their partner can cope on their own, is happy with their own company, has their own interests and is someone who will not solely depend on others for their enjoyment. This man took one evening off from you and you unleashed all your frustrations and wrath at him via his answer phone. The best you can do now is to try to gain a little independence and develop some new interests and hobbies of your own. Then phone him up, apologise and in a friendly way ask if he would like to meet up for dinner one night. Tell him about all the new things you are starting to do with your life and see what happens. If things don't work out and he says 'no', at least you know where you stand and you can move on having hopefully learnt from this experience. Please don't let your man think that being with you could be a life sentence of never being able to do things on his own again.
Dear Hillie
My girlfriend is always accusing me of being jealous and possessive over her and I know she's right but I just can't stop myself. Whenever she says she's seeing her girlfriends I can't stop cross-questioning her about it and when we're out together I feel a mixture of terror and rage inside me if she smiles at another guy or talks to him. Sometimes these feelings are so strong that I have to leave and it takes days before I feel recovered enough to speak to her again. I know she'll get really fed up soon and leave me. How can I handle the way I feel?
Hillie says
Jealousy is insecurity in yourself making you feel that others are more important than you are and that you are worth a lesser amount of love than them. Being jealous is allowing someone else's behaviour to cause you emotional discomfort. The way to handle your emotions is to recognise that jealousy is a put down of you and if you can just learn to love and appreciate yourself and your own good qualities more you wouldn't allow yourself to get upset by your girlfriend's behaviour. If she chooses to be with her friends or talk to other guys it's her choice and absolutely no reflection on you or your own worth. Being jealous of your girlfriend is showing a lack of trust in her and no relationship can survive without trust. Jealousy can never alter the situation to your advantage, it's just a wasteful emotion which prevents you from enjoying the present moment and each present moment is the only important moment of your life.
Dear Hillie
A few months ago I picked up a girl at a disco and after I had taken her home I decided I didn't want to see her again. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I gave her a false name and telephone number. She really wanted to meet me again and I didn't know how to get out of it so I arranged to meet her the next week for a drink and then stood her up. She found out my real name and phone number from my friends and keeps ringing me up. I'm running out of excuses what shall I do?
Hillie says
However much someone finds us attractive, it isn't always possible to return those feelings because we all have different tastes and cannot be expected to fancy the world in general. So just be honest with this girl and tell her how you feel and always have the courage in future to tell someone in the nicest way possible that they are not your sort. You will cause far less damage in the long run by tackling a problem head on than just trying to evade the issue and hoping it will go away.Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then started in show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she founded Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide. www.dinnerdates.com
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club. www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and, as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (31) and Jamie (27) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2011 |
