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Dear Readers,
Doesn't time fly?! Here we are in August 2009 and I have just celebrated twenty years of running my company Dinner Dates which I founded in July 1989! We had our 20th Anniversary Ball at One Whitehall Place a week ago and I was very touched by all the good wishes from past and present members that were sent by email and given personally to me on the night. They certainly made twenty years of hard work seem worthwhile!
During the lead up to the ball I did many radio interviews and one question most interviewers asked was "How has the dating scene changed in the last twenty years?" Well the dating scene has changed out of all recognition and I thought you might like to read my observations in this article.
However before you do, I would like to know if there are any single ladies out there who would like to join the Dinner Dates trip to Cologne, Bonn & Düsseldorf over August Bank holiday (Friday 28th – Monday 31st)? If any one would like to join us and receive free membership of Dinner Dates at the same time, please call my office on 020 8741 1252 and mention 'Hot Gossip'.
Wishing you all a happy, carefree and successful month,
Hillie
How the dating scene has changed in the last twenty years
The first thing that springs to mind is:
Technology
So much dating happens online now (which was not possible in 1989)! The internet means you don't have to leave the house to date and it enables you to meet people from other areas of the country or other countries that you probably would not otherwise be able to do. Dating has become global instead of just local!
Face-to-face conversations are no longer the norm and often talking on the phone takes a backseat to text messaging and emails. There is less direct interaction with each other.
It is easier to lie successfully online; you can post an old photo, give the wrong age and even the country you live in, so you're never quite sure what you're getting. In 1989 it was all face-to-face.
On a more positive note when you meet someone new the internet can help you verify whether they are who they claim to be. You might be able to find photos, articles, do background checks or even Google them.
Work
Work is now the main reason that men and women turn to online dating and dating agencies; twenty years ago it was usually because someone had got divorced or widowed and had no single friends to turn to.
The long hours we work today make it harder to meet partners conventionally. (around midnight is the time most men join Dinner Dates – most likely after a long day at the office!)
Also the long hours we now work mean that our free time is so precious we tend spend it seeing friends and family. This means we rarely have time to meet new people because we are too busy juggling our friends and our work.
Nowadays it's more socially acceptable for women to be single. The stigma of being single post thirty has all but disappeared and many women don't feel the traditional pressure from family and friends to marry young, choosing to wait until they meet someone who ticks all the boxes on their mental check list.
This brings me to the next important change:
Equality between the sexes
Men and women demand equality between the sexes. In 1989 dating tended to be dominated by men who had more control over how dates progressed, whereas women now are much more forward about who they do and don't want to date
Today it is generally expected that women pay their share on a date whereas in 1989 men would have paid for everything.
Now women ask for men's phone numbers whereas in 1989 it was always the men who made first contact.
However this new equality has made men to no longer feel the need to pull out a lady's chair, open doors or give up their seat for women as they did twenty years ago and women no longer expect them to. Chivalry has taken a back seat.
Today women behave more like men in the way they like, have, want and initiate sex - and many post provocative photos of themselves on websites like Facebook.
Ageism
Many men and women now lie about their age once they reach their 40's. They want to be younger and their friends unfortunately convince them that they do look younger!
Older singles tend to look for trophy partners!
Men have always wanted to go out with younger women but now women want toy boys too.
Behaviour
Currently it seems most single people date more than one person at a time whereas twenty years ago, once you had been asked out on a second date you rarely dated anyone else.
Texting and emailing via blackberries make multiple dating much easier.
People are far more promiscuous now; in 1989 if you did sleep around you would have rarely been open about it.
Clothing
Standards of dress for dates have changed dramatically. Twenty years ago dates tended to be more of a formal occasion where both parties made an effort to look smart. People now dress more casually.
Necklines have plunged and women dress much more provocatively than twenty years ago. With the increase of sex in adverts and the media it is now accepted for a girl to wear almost anything!
Men no longer feel the need to wear a suit and tie on a date to impress a female and have opted for a more casual look.
Men have become more metro sexual in the way they dress, even getting manicures and going to the hairdressers before a date, wearing pink or patterned shirts and much more jewellery than twenty years ago.
So how has the way single people converse with each other changed on dates?
Dating Conversations
People are now incredibly demanding and specific about what they want in a partner. So much so that at the first meeting they will openly discuss their feelings and what they want out of a relationship, including children – this would never have been talked about on a first date in 1989.
In 2009 women are especially quick to ask the man's profession, where they live and ascertain how financially suitable they are. I feel we were more subtle twenty years ago.
Both sexes are now not reticent about finding out about the other's political and religious views whereas years ago these subjects would have been avoided.
Past sexual partners and drugs often get discussed on first dates (unheard of in 1989!)
People tend not to turn off their blackberries or mobile phones during a date and will even answer them at the dinner table. As there were no mobile phones years ago this never happened which meant that when you were on a date you had the undivided attention of your Date.
People often get a friend to call them in the middle of the date so that if it's going badly you can use your friend's 'emergency' as an excuse to leave. In 1989 people were not so accessible!
Today we have much more choice than we used to.
Choice
People are much more interested in value for money in the 21st century and don't want to spend money eating out with someone they don't like. This makes people more choosey and fussy before making a date.
People are much more likely to complain if they think they haven't had a successful date, often blaming their internet website or dating agency if their date wasn't everything they expected. Years ago they probably would have put it down to experience!
Compromise has become a thing of the past since 1989 and people are less prepared to make relationships work, opting instead to move on to pastures green.
It seems to me that there have been many changes, some good and some not so good. But the thing that saddens me most nowadays is that people's expectations are too high and many want perfection in a partner. I think that this is the main factor why people today tend to stay single for longer!
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net.
Dear Hillie
I believe I am in love with my girlfriend's daughter who is twenty years old. I've been with my girlfriend for twelve years and for the last few years our relationship has been going downhill in every sense. So much so that I find myself doing things for her daughter that I should have done for her. I know this is wrong. I don't know why I behave this way but it's what I want to do. My girlfriend accused me of being in love with her daughter but I denied it. I just couldn't tell her the truth. Her daughter doesn't know about my feelings for her and I think if she found out she would move away and I would probably never see her again. I'm at my wit's end and don't know what to do.
Hillie says:
Your first priority is to try to resolve the differences in your relationship with your girlfriend. Decide if you still have a future together and if not agree to part amicably and go your separate ways. Maybe the problems between you are influencing the way the way you feel about her daughter. However whilst you are still living together, you must not under any circumstances make an improper move towards her daughter. She has known you since she was ten years old and trusts and thinks of you in a parental role. If in the future you have no connections with your girlfriend, you get to know her daughter under different circumstances and you fall in love with each other, then good luck to you both.
Dear Hillie
I have been going out with the most perfect man for me for nine months, and he feels the same way. The problem is he's married with two young children and is finding it hard to leave home. I recently met a fifty five year old woman at my local health club, who has been the mistress of a married man for twenty years. Her lover always promised he would leave his wife for her, but instead he's just left her for a younger woman of thirty five. I feel concerned for my future, what shall I do?
Hillie says:
Well, if you don't want your situation to be the same in nine years time, you had better do something about it soon. I strongly believe in fate and it was probably a fortuitous day for you when you met this woman! I suggest you go away for an idyllic few days with your lover and then without any tears tell him you are leaving for good. If he really wants you he will find a way to be with you. If he doesn't, the sooner you get away from him the better.
Dear Hillie
About eight months ago I moved back to my hometown where an ex-boyfriend still lives. When we met up again, he was just ending a relationship with someone who was mentally and physically abusive to him. I thought I was being a good friend to him by being supportive, trying to help rebuild his self-esteem and just being there for him. It's been nine months now and he's even more depressed than he was before. He is now verbally abusive to me, easily annoyed and has decided to end our friendship because I confronted him a few times about his nasty behavior toward me. After a week of not speaking to each other I called him today to make arrangements about getting some of my belongings from his house. However in the few minutes that it took to get my things I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. I was visibly shaken but he acted as if he hadn't a care in the world. Was I the reason he continued to be depressed and not able to move on? Now I've been shoved out of the picture, has his life taken a turn towards healing and happiness?
Hillie says:
Are you quite sure that it was his previous girlfriend who was abusive and not him? My advice is to forget this man A.S.A.P. His only problem is himself! Until he recognises this and takes positive steps to help himself he will never be happy. There are many people like him who destroy other people's lives rather than facing the truth about themselves. I think you should seek professional help to heal yourself and rid your life of him for good. It rarely works going back to a relationship so now's the time to move on – you deserve better.
Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then deviated into show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she launched Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide.
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club.
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (27) and Jamie (24) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus and their cat 'Rufus'.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Information on Dinner Dates can be found at: www.dinnerdates.com
Information on Dinner with Friends can be found at: www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2009
 
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