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Understand Divorce – Lose the Pain
Divorce is a much maligned and feared word. It is something which we know little about until we are actually faced with relationship breakdown and separation. With each case being very different and often highly emotional, there are now services available to help you gain clarity, confidence and hope in a sea of change. Rather than going directly to a solicitor, or even in conjunction with a solicitor, you can now address the greater part of divorce – finances, children, your sanity and your emotions with professionals better equipped to handle the issues than the legal fraternity.
Divorce coaching - I'm sure people must wonder what it involves .... And, ask if we run up and down the sidelines shouting 'Go on, keep going, you can do it'? A divorce coach is a confidante, supporter, unbiased question asker, winkle picker and at times mentor and therapist too. It's the person who can help you pull back from pixel counting to see the full picture. The person who'll hold your hand and not let you drown, who'll question your reasoning, who'll help you find solid footing and who makes sure that you are deciding things with an ecological and sound judgement for yourself so that you can begin to design a future you want. They help you let the emotions out so that you let go of them, they help you laugh, they help you find a way through the maze of a situation quite foreign – a legal case, a battle with someone you've loved, the loss of something once dear, the start of something unknown.
What is a divorce really – other than a formal separation of husband and wife? Other words with the same meaning are : dissociate, divide, disconnect, split, disjoin. Why then does divorce, simply a split or disconnection, become so acrimonious and full of war induced terminology. It's due to the emotions involved and for at least one of the parties, they will often be very negative emotions – pain, misery, rejection, disappointment, failure, humiliation, anger, fear – to name but a few.
To have a divorce there has to have been a marriage which indicates a relationship ... but what's a relationship? You can't see it, you can't touch it, you can't hear it, it's purely the act of relating with or to another person/thing. If a relationship is an emotional connection between two people, then it requires two people to make it a fully functioning and emotional entity, if only one person is giving input, is there a relationship, or is there just a need for connection?
Can you have smoke without a fire? No. So can you have a divorce when two people are inputting in like quantities to a relationship – unlikely unless neither is putting much in at all. Therefore, a divorce is often due to the inequality of input. It is something waiting to happen – like when the couple got engaged to be married, one of them was already further along the line and thinking about how nice it would be to get married and that one asked the question, the other person still had a choice as to whether or not they said yes. In divorce, it works the same way, one of them is thinking that it'd be nice to get a divorce because it isn't working for them and the other still has a choice.
Is there a good time for divorce? The good time for divorce comes when a couple recognise that the scales aren't evenly balanced and can talk about what's going on – can repairs be made, or is the chasm too wide and deep without major surgery? Sticky plasters rarely work in these scenarios as the wound tends to keep bleeding and opening up again. This is an ideal opportunity to work together to a common goal – fix it by both taking responsibility, or jointly choose to divorce. The most common times for divorce action being started are, unsurprisingly, after the summer holidays and after the Christmas holidays. More time spent together, children, no work distraction, friends away or busy doing their own thing – all of these can spin couples into recognising how they really feel towards one another.
There are only two fireworks in the divorce process. Making a joint decision is certainly the least onerous option and allows for choices to be made together to divide the whole in two and for each person to be able to feel that they have been fair and reasonably treated in return. Unfortunately in the majority of cases to date, this is far from reality and the two main stumbling blocks of divorce come into play – on the divorce field - the financial needs and time with the children. Each party is doing their best to secure what they feel they need to enable them to have their physical needs met. This can mean giving little or no consideration to the other party, nor what would be best for the children.
How can you avoid feeling like a criminal? Stop acting like one. When a divorce turns into a battle, the onus is upon each party to build a case against the other in order that they look to be the better or more deserving person. What this in fact does, is add fuel to the fire of hatred and no understanding. To avoid this it is important to remember that you are both doing your best, that your partner is feeling much the same as you, to remember that there is only one finite sum and that neither of you are going to be happy with the outcome unless you work together. No-one gets it all. The children are products of the two of you, and unless there's a legitimate reason why not, it is important that they continue to have a relationship with you both. In both instances – finances and children – there can be creative solutions which work well.
What does divorce have to do with the Grand National? The greatest steeplechase in the world has a reputation of having the most challenging hurdles – divorce too. Once clear of the last hurdle, you would think you can breath a sigh of relief – don't. Like the Grand National you still have the longest home straight coming up before you cross the winning line. This is rebuilding your life once the Decree Absolut is in your hand.
Emotions are not dependant on sex! There is no difference between men and women being able to feel. There are only individual differences and society lead differences. Men can cry. Men can feel devastated and men can't cope. Women can hold back tears, women can put on a brave face. Everyone can go into a cave to sulk, stew or hide.
Are there any plus-es to getting divorced is often asked – yes, yes, yes!! Even as the parent with care if you have children, you can incorporate many of these areas into your life. You can do what you want when you want – although it does take getting used to. You can make decisions without deference. You can work late, or go in early. You can be a slob or be extremely tidy – no-one will complain. You can have friends around or go out. You can eat what you want. You can watch what you want on TV. You can play your music as loudly as you like. You can dress how you want. You can be you for you! To begin with it can be frightening, and then it becomes liberating!
Jackie can be emailed – Jackie@thedivorcecoach.co.uk
Jackie Walker is Master Practitioner of NLP, life coach and Spiritual Practitioner. She lives in Edinburgh and set up The Divorce Coach after her own challenging divorce experiences. Her methods help people instantly identify the real issues, challenges and obstacles of divorce and relationship breakdown and overcome them in easy stages. New practices are opening September in Guildford and Paddington for clients who prefer to work in person rather than by phone.
Resources: Divorce Survival Report and Your Personal Relationship Audit are both available from www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk along with a raft of easily digestible information and her new ebook 7 Easy Steps to Stress Less Relationships. |
