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Dear Readers,
Once again I'm sitting on a plane bound for Philadelphia, feeling very excited about the prospect of seeing my daughter again in a few hours time. I'm happy she's got a job she loves in the profession she chose and that she's very happily married but how I wish all this was happening closer to home! So I suppose I must keep building up the air miles so that my husband and I can visit her as often as possible!
As most of you know I spend my professional life introducing single people to each other at our events and have been doing so now for 20 years! In fact we are having our 20th Anniversary Ball on July 25th at One Whitehall Place.
For those of you who are single and don't have the advantage of me and my staff introducing you to numerous available single people, how do you manage to make contact with someone you see and like? Well that's what my article is all about this month and I hope you find it useful.
Best wishes
Hillie Marshall
HOW TO MAKE CONTACT?
If you want someone to approach you, be approachable and easy to talk to. If you are a fun, relaxed and caring person and you are happy with yourself and your lot in life then people, almost certainly, will be drawn to you like a magnet.
Here are five ways for you to make contact
• Friends
• Smiling
• Eyes
• Writing
• Collision
Friends
If you have the advantage of knowing a mutual friend you can get them to introduce you. Most people, especially women, will feel more comfortable and relaxed when they are approached by someone who has been vetted rather than by a complete stranger. If you can establish any link between yourself and the person you wish to know, it is worth its weight in gold.
Smiling
If you are not fortunate enough to be introduced by someone else, sometimes the simplest and easiest way to make contact is just to smile. Few people can resist a genuine friendly smile and it usually results in a friendly smile back. Your smile has let them know that you are interested and find them attractive, and you will be able to tell by the way they smile back at you whether they are returning the compliment. If their smile is brief showing no emotion and they immediately look elsewhere, you would be better off to turn your attentions elsewhere. However, if their smile is brief but they blush, look coy or embarrassed, or if they return a beaming I'm so pleased you like me too smile, you could be on a winning ticket.
Eyes
Eye contact is a powerful way of getting someone's attention, especially the five second gaze and smile. The reaction is usually instantaneous and they may well approach you. If it results in a glare you've lost nothing except for five seconds of your time.
Writing
Sometimes if you feel too shy to make a physical approach, it is easier to put your interest in writing. Many a romance has started via e-mail. Whatever you decide to write keep it short, light-hearted and amusing. A note that brings a smile to the face will be far more likely to bring results than a heavy, deep or slushy one. If you feel so inclined you could write a love poem. Robert Browning and other famous poets certainly achieved their objectives in this way, and you might even consider copying some of their poetry. However, a stupid ditty like:
Roses are red,
And so is your car,
Let's meet for a drink,
And we could go far!
might serve equally well!
Collision
A friend of mine was so desperate to make contact with a man she fancied from afar, that she literally lay in wait for him one evening after work. She waited for him to come out of his office then ran towards him, clutching a bag of shopping and her briefcase, as if she were running to catch her bus or train and accidentally bumped into him. Of course the shopping went flying, bottles were broken, papers were flung out of her briefcase and he was mortified he had caused such a disaster. He insisted on helping her to clear things up and asked her out for a drink to make amends. This was a somewhat desperate plan on her behalf, but however one which worked. In fact bumping into someone, whether it be with your trolley in the supermarket or falling over their feet on the dance floor, will always produce a result - hopefully (if you manage it the right way) a good one.
What do you say?
Having made contact you need to open up a conversation and there is no point in agonising over what you should say - anything will do, even hello will do to get the dialogue going. Imagine that the other person is more nervous than you are, and try to put them at their ease. A word of warning here - if you feel you need an alcoholic to give you Dutch courage then have one, but only have just enough to loosen your inhibitions. Few people like to be chatted up by someone who has had one too many. If you feel you need chat-up lines to get you going make sure they are simple, or outrageous enough to make him/her laugh. However, be warned, contrived chat up lines are more likely to make the recipient cringe than open up to your advance.
Sample chat-up lines
• Let's skip the awkward beginning and pretend we've known each other for a while. So how's your Mum?
• Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day.
• Hi. I'm on a computer date tonight but the computer hasn't shown up. Would you like to join me instead?
• Please talk to me so that girl/man over there will leave me alone.
• You probably think that I'm mad coming up to you like this, but I have this strange urge to buy you a drink.
• Nobody I know can tell me who you are, but I'm sure I've seen you before.
• My friends said that you would definitely turn me down if I asked you for a drink. Help me prove them wrong?
• Can I help you with that? (Heavy shopping etc.)
• Could you help me with this please? (Heavy shopping etc.)
However, sometimes it's not what you say but the way that you say it. For example at one of my Dinner Dates dinner parties, a female guest was approached by the waiter who said 'Horseradish, madam?' in such a sexy voice that she was completely hooked. She had eyes for no one except this man all night and I gather they are living blissfully together now!
ASK HILLIE
Your chance to get your worries off your chest
Whether it's marriage guidance, relationship advice, workplace or career difficulties, or family problems I'm here to help. A problem shared is a problem halved, so if something is getting you down or troubling you please email me at hillie@enterprise.net
Dear Hillie
My boyfriend recently dumped me. We were going out for 3 years and I really thought he was the one. We have fought and broken up before but we always managed to work things out and I think we're great together. Now he tells me that if I love him I will let him go. Well I do love him, but I'm scared of losing him forever. He is not consistent with his feelings either. One day he says he needs time and the next; he wants us to get back together. I feel I'm in limbo. I know I love him but I can't work out what he wants. I've tried to let him go but I still end up calling him and sometimes even dropping by his place. Recently I didn't call or make contact, so he called me every night. Why does he say he wants me to let him go and then keep calling? How can I let him go when it's not what I want? How can I make him want to come back to me?
Hillie says:
Your boyfriend sounds just as confused about your relationship as you are. I suggest that you have a complete break from each other (no contact at all) for three months which will give you both time and space to reflect about what you really feel and want from each other. If your boyfriend truly loves you but is frightened of commitment, after a few months he will not want to risk losing you again. If however you are both holding on to your relationship because it feels safer to stay with 'the devil you know' rather than venturing out into the unknown, then hopefully after three months apart you will feel more confident to be single again. If the relationship is not right then the sooner you find out the better, rather than wasting another three years in confusion.
Dear Hillie
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and we love each other dearly. However I'm worried because I want to keep the spark in our relationship and I sometimes see it fading. Do you have any suggestions on new things we could do? I realise that after being together for some time you have to expect this in a relationship, but I don't want either of us to become bored and eventually break up. Any ideas?
Hillie says:
It's often said that love makes the world go round but it's equally true that romance lubricates the cogs of the wheels. Romance is any little deed or experience that makes you both feel warm and good about each other. Surprise your boyfriend with a romantic candlelit dinner for two, cook his favourite food accompanied by some mood music. Make love by candlelight. Give him a surprise call at work just to tell him you love him. Give him a small gift for no reason at all.
Make sure you do something different together each week. Plan surprise outings, see a new film, musical, play, opera, ballet or concert. Plan the occasional weekend or holiday away and discover new places together. Host dinner parties for friends, do sporting activities together, go for walks. Always make sure you keep abreast of the news so you have interesting things to talk about together.
Keep an element of surprise and romance in your relationship, never take each other for granted and you won't go far wrong.
Dear Hillie
I have a friend (no it's not me) who has a problem coming to terms with his new girlfriend's past love life. He feels quite strongly that sex comes with marriage (or at least a long-term commitment) but she's had quite a few physical relationships. He doesn't want to split up with her but how can he come to terms with her past? I hope you can help!
Hillie says:
It's often said that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. Maybe this time his girlfriend has met her prince? Maybe she's now prepared to settle down and live happily ever after in the knowledge, gained from past experiences, that he's just what she has been searching for. Most people have a past and it is unrealistic to expect someone to be a virgin. I gather, reading between the lines, that your friend is possibly not sexually inexperienced? I suggest he should stop feeling jealous of the men in her past and concentrate on enjoying the present with her. After all, she has been honest enough to tell him about her past relationships and not attempted to hide them from him. If he can't, then maybe his feelings for her are not strong enough and he should set her free.
Dear Hillie
I can't get a girlfriend. I'm 15 years old and have never even kissed a girl! Whenever my friends talk about their girlfriends I just don't know what to say. I want to go to discos with them but my parents won't let me. What can I do?
Hillie says:
Stop being desperate, enjoy your freedom and find interesting friends who think there is more to life than just going to discos and trying to get girlfriends. Concentrate on your school work and making a success of your life. Women are attracted to successful men who have interesting hobbies and interests. If you can become one of those men, the girls will flock to you. You won't have to look for them! And you'll have the last laugh on your friends! Hillie Marshall
Hillie started her working career as a radiographer and then started in show business as a singer and actress and eventually being theatre producer for her company Edwardians Unlimited. Following her divorce in 1989 and with two young children to bring up, she founded Dinner Dates, the social events and holiday Company for single people. Today Dinner Dates is the UK’s longest established company of its kind with over 17,000 members nationwide. www.dinnerdates.com
The phenomenal success of Dinner Dates for singles gave Hillie the idea of a social events company for couples, so in 2007, she set up Dinner With Friends, the UK’s first couples only dining club. www.dinnerwithfriends.co.uk
Not only is Hillie a successful business entrepreneur, her experience with people has been put to good use and, as both an Agony Aunt through the internet and in magazines, she offers advice and a sympathetic ear to thousands, making sense of personal and relationship problems.
Hillie is an accomplished author having written three successful books on relationships. She has given relationship advice on numerous TV and Radio shows such as GMTV, Richard and Judy, The Big Breakfast, Esther Rantzen, Kilroy, The Vanessa Show, The Time The Place, Carlton’s After 5 and was ‘Dr Date’ for LBC.
She has two children Nicola (31) and Jamie (27) and lives in Chiswick with her husband Angus.
You can e-mail Hillie at: hillie@enterprise.net
Her books: 'The Good Dating Guide', 'Hillie Marshall's Guide to Successful Relationships' and 'Agonise with Hillie' can be bought on line at: www.hillie.com
Words copyright: Hillie Marshall 2011 |
